Searching for the Sabbath

     Over Memorial Day weekend, I went to a long time friend's house for a barbecue. I like meeting new people and these kind of functions are great places to do just that. I figure "Hey, this person is my friend; they must have other cool friends...". Okay, all self-admiration aside, it is a good assumption that you'll meet people at a friend's party you'd have something in common with.

     My friend has this huge Bartlett Pear tree in his backyard. It's so big, I mistook it for an Oak. So I'm sitting under this tree, there is a nice breeze, meat is cooking, and I look at the person next to me, whom I didn't know and said, "I could do just this all day.". He laughed and said, "Yeah, it's nice.". "No, I mean I just want to do this all this time...". We then exchanged jokes about how hard it would be to pay our bills, etc, if we just sat around and had beer and barbecue under a tree all day and didn't work...

     ...but I wasn't completely kidding...

     I was going to originally title this post "BBQ and Beer," but I think what's going on here is a little more than just wanting to rock and roll all night and party everyday (okay try, to tell me you aren't know hearing the band KISS in your head...). What I think I'm in need of is some serious rest.  I have finally blown a mental and emotional "gasket" from the enormous amount of simultaneous occupations and hobbies I've been a part of with no break for any longer than the span of a 5-day vacation.  Oh, and trust me, those weren't full breaks either due to the invention of the smart phone.

     So, I get these daily devotionals from Pastor Rick Warren based on his Purpose Driven Life book.  I remembered getting one on resting a few months ago.  Pastor Warren said, "The most common cause of discouragement is physical and emotional exhaustion. Things look worse when you're tired...When you're tired, you lose your confidence. It's that simple...The remedy for physical and emotional exhaustion — and the confidence drain it can be — is rest! Psalm 127:2 says, "God wants His loved ones to get their proper rest" (TLB). Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to sleep. It's amazing how much better things look after you've had a good night's sleep.You'll never be at your best if you're not getting rest."

     Food for thought there.  It's definitely why I don't feel I'm at my best now.  I feel like there is this huge wall between me and my creativity because I'm simply tapped out. While I was thinking about what Pastor Warren had said, my mind started to wander and possible get paranoid due to the exhaustion I was feeling "Wait!" I thought, "Am I missing a Commandment here?  Being a Christian, aren't I supposed to remember the Sabbath and keep in holy because God made the Earth in six days and rested on the seventh or something like that?"

Uh-oh...

     I started reading everything I could on the Sabbath and the Ten Commandments.  There is quite a lot of differing opinions out there, and all of them claim biblical relevance.  It's hard to know what to believe.  We were actually talking about this in my Sunday School class one Sunday.  We remembered how when we were kids we typically did nothing on Sunday afternoons but nap.  We also remembered how stores weren't open.  If you needed it, you had to get it on Saturday.  Now we could only name a handful or retail establishments that participated in that practice and lamented that we could not get a chicken biscuit from Chik-Fil-A on Sundays.

     What I eventually found was that for Christians, and let me clarify this is a general consensus and not what all believe, that we worship, and potentially rest, on Sunday as that's the day Christ rose from the dead.  Now the "rest" part is where it gets tricky.  While we've tried to go for keeping the Sabbath day holy and resting on Sunday, the actual rest is the rest found in the "Lord of The Sabbath" which is Jesus Christ.  We do not have to have a specified day of rest because now our whole spiritual life rests in Jesus Christ.  There is no more Commandment Sabbath rest.  No work to be done the other six days of the week to give atonement for sin to God.  Only a Commandment to trust in Jesus.  Took me awhile to wrap my head around that quite honestly (and if you're head is reeling, too, you can read about the Sabbath here.  This was just one of the many informational Internet sites upon which I came!). 

     So, here I am trying to make sense of it all, and getting more decidedly wasted tired in the process.  Maybe I'm trying to find some sort of permission to simply do nothing.  I mean, well, as a kid I wasn't allowed to just sit around.  If  chores were done I'd better not claim any "boredom" or" my parents would step in and give me something to do. Keep going; keep doing.  If you don't, you're seen as lazy or worthless. Our society is just so busy, you know?  You snooze you lose" is a saying that comes to mind...so much to do, so many people wanting something from you...I'm not even sure where I am trying to go with all this now really...All I know is I'm overwhelmed with fatigue and I know how I got here I just in some twisted way feel I need to know it's okay sometimes to not do anything.  I need to know that I won't suffer from some kind of societal ostracising if I stop for one moment to avoid the burnout I'm either experiencing or to which I have a one-way ticket...

    ...Wait!...Matthew 11:28...".Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Got it.  I give in.  You take everything, Lord...I'm gonna sit here in my recliner and watch a marathon of "Pawn Stars...." 

     Hey, it may not be the completely ideal Sabbath rest, or maybe it is, but He knows I need it and I should listen to Him more often.  After all, I can't swim out into the ocean to grab the starfish if I'm passed out on the beach.

Happy Fishing!

- Red

Sink or Swim

     I remember that my Dad taught my brother how to swim by throwing him into the ocean. We lived on Long Island, NY and would take our boat out to Fire Island every summer. That's when my brother was thrown overboard...I did fall off of the boat once, but my Dad was more merciful towards me and got me out of the water. A few years later I was given swimming lessons in the comfort of our in ground pool.

     On the Friday before Memorial Day, I felt the familiar panic of being four years old, unable to swim, and in a very vast ocean...I had lost my beloved dog, Dali.

     I wrote about Dali, our thirteen and a half year old Australian Cattle Dog/Border Collie mix in this blog before ("I Am The Bulldog" - March 7, 2012). She's been sick with liver tumors since she was almost twelve with the official diagnosis coming about eight months ago.  To say her passing has greatly effected my husband and myself is an understatement. Dali's behavioral issuers had to be closely monitored for her and our other dog's safety. One wrong move could mean a bite delivered to any of us or potentially anyone outside of the home. People are amazed when I talk about the level of management needed that frankly most people wouldn't deal with. I don't blame them. It's been a stressful thirteen and a half years. There were times I couldn't even walk freely in my home for fear of causing a fight if some kind.

     This also meant I couldn't use the computer as often as I would have liked to write or anything.  Our home office is a small space and highly conducive to setting off Dali's aggressions. Normal dogs typically have a critical distance of four feet. They don't like to be towered over or feel crowded.  Add that to a dog that is fearful and acts out on that, then there are issues.  I remember that if Eric was gone for the evening, before I got my iPad, it meant no work of any kind could be done. Managing Dali and keeping her happy and comfortable was top priority. Even after I got the iPad, I still couldn't get very engrossed in anything I was doing because in a split second Kobi, the other dog, could do something to incur her ire and a fight was on...

     ...and all of a sudden she was gone...

     Eric and I really don't know what to do with ourselves. Every routine was based on Dali. I'm not kidding. From the time we let her out of her crate in the morning to the time we put her back in at night, everything we did revolved around her. As unhealthy as that was, Eric and I no longer have a huge semblance of our life from the week before.   It's been weird, not to mention highly unsettling.  I mean after all, as humans, we all love our ruts and routines.  Mine just happened to be a life consuming one.

     My stepmother said she knew how much I loved her.  She also said that, "She helped you to become the wonderful person you are now and helped you find your place in this world. The ones that do that are always special as they show us a side of ourselves that we sometimes don't even know existed..."


     ...And in death Dali was still showing me a whole new side to myself...

I found this picture the other day...



     The funny thing about my life so far is I was quite a good "swimmer" when faced with troubles. I have quite the get up and go attitude. However, I would say I have also not faced anything as heartbreaking as Dali's passing was. I have been dumped by boyfriends, betrayed by close friends, and abused by my Mother, but, believe it or not, found nothing as profoundly life changing as Dali no longer being a part of my daily life. I just didn't feel the same anymore. It was like because that routine was gone, part of me died, too.  For the first time in my life, I guess I was really grieving.  This was something so foreign to my life previously.

     During this period, and while I was honestly barely maintaining my head above water neither sinking nor swimming, something strange started to happen. I found I was blessed with wonderful and numerous examples of "life" around me. I saw young dogs up for adoption at a local pet store. I saw a newly adopted dog at a friend's house. I saw my own dog start coming to life in ways he hadn't been able to before. So many new beginnings. So much new life all around...

....I began to wonder if now maybe I had a new life to get on with...a new "me" maybe...

     With Dali's passing , I got to experience a huge loss. I got to experience the entire grieving process.  The last step is called "recovery" where one shows a new interest in daily activities and begins to function normally on a day to day basis. The goal of recovery is to reorganize one’s life so that the loss is one important part of life rather than the center of one’s life.  Trust me, both my husband and I went through all the shock, denial, obsessive thoughts, anger, guilt sadness and anxiety before reaching this point.  In the end though, Dali enabled me to truly acknowledge how exciting life going forward can be and actually, really, must be. You always here the phrase "life goes on". I feel I understand it and am excited about. I want to be a part of that life. That life going on.  The feeling that I could go ahead and swim...

...I think I'll "doggie-paddle" out from shore now...



Happy Fishing!

--Red


                                         R.I.P Dali Cooper - January, 1999 to May 25, 2012

                               I miss you more than you know. Thank you for all you taught me.