It's Too Late to Apologize

"I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new, yeah, yeah
I loved you with a fire red
Now it's turning blue, and you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late..."

- Ryan Tedder, One Republic

I know I said I was doing the whole video thing, and I will, but I had a quick bit of inspiration while listening to one the YouTube channels I follow that's based on personality disordered persons.This will become a very important topic as we continue on this journey together. I wanted to talk about one of the key factors that I think makes a relationship with someone toxic to your well being...

...It's the inability to apologize. Plain and simple. Stay with me here and let me tell you why it all boils down to this. Being able to apologize is so much more than saying "I'm sorry". The person speaking in the YouTube video said, "The only sincere apology is changed behavior. If it doesn't change long-term, then they are not truly remorseful."   

You might be thinking, "but Red, I mean, no one is perfect. They said sorry; forgive and forget, right?" Yes, no one is perfect, however abusive behavior is not okay. Stepping over your boundaries and committing the same trespasses over and over again after saying I'm sorry is just that.

Anything less than a proper apology with visible action behind it means they aren't willing to change and will repeat the offense. You are totally being manipulated. A proper apology by the way is "I'm sorry, that was my fault, I'll never do it again" or something of that variety.

A proper apology is not a string of excuses explaining their emotional state and why they did something to you. That's not taking responsibility for their actions, That's hoping you will just understand and let it go.You aren't in a relationship with a person. You are in a "manipulationship".

It's important that you know what your boundaries and standards for people that you let into your life are or this will happen to you over and over. Don't think that one day I just arbitrarily started cutting people I felt incapable of change out of my life.  I saw problematic behavior and gave many chances for change. I dismissed their behavior under the pretenses of "they've had a hard life" or "they are just going through a hard time" or "they just have some growing up to do". The problem with toxic people is that they aren't going to get past these circumstances, They are going to let hard lives, times, and lack of emotional growth rule their lives forever because doing what's necessary to change takes guts and commitment like nothing else, Doing the deep work required of change is very, very, very hard and most sadly just won't do it because of the difficulty level. You are essentially fighting yourself, the deep inner core of who you are, the way you are "wired", every day and that is possibly the most tiring and excruciating thing you can ever do. You are changing everything that has made you, you! The dedication to such an undertaking is enormous, So now you might understand why I'm more serious now about protecting my well-being and giving way fewer chances. I don't allow so much for "over and over". I need to see serious change and am well aware that that change probably isn't coming.

Well get more into this in the videos, but I really wanted to take a moment to explain this concept, The people in your life are going to be essential to your healing. Make sure they are ones that want to lift you up and help you be the best you can be, otherwise, you'll remain stuck in your hard life, hard times and ever reaching for an unattainable the emotional growth you so need to love yourself and life!

Happy Fishing!

--Red

A Time to Heal...

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

-The Byrds

My life the last year has been all about taking the time to heal.  There has been amazing discovery and agonizing recovery. One of the things I learned about being a survivor of emotional and psychological abuse is that one of the unfortunate side effects of such is the erosion of self...

...and it's now no wonder I started this blog confused about my purpose, and probably more so, who I was... 

I look back upon my writings and I came so close to figuring this out so many times. I just didn't put the pieces together in my very broken mind. I should have figured this out long ago and the relationships responsible for such a reduction of personality, but instead it took events of greater magnitude for me to finally say "something is really wrong here".

I have studied so much. I have figured out ugly truths about people once held dear to me.... 

...I have been likened to a warrior to others trying to survive themselves. If you don't know or love yourself, you don't know quite what to do with that....

I spent months identifying what made me  me down to favorite flavor a of ice cream because the deconstruction of self had been so cavernous. I had so much self-doubt to overcome that I still have to say "trust yourself" when walking out a door wondering if something was unplugged when I had just looked at it. 

I do not feel like much of a warrior in those times...but I also know I've come so far. 

I watch a lot of YouTube videos on emotional manipulators and how to heal from such abuse. Someone said "ask yourself how will you use what you've been through for the greater good". 

That's it, right? Could that be the sense of purpose and self I've spent years writing about only to find glimpses and pieces of it because I truly wasn't focused on the experiences that made me the person who I was and now that I am?

A lot of survivors take their stories to YouTube and blogs hoping to arm those who are, shall we say, emotionally disadvantaged due to what they have been through. It's time for me to do the same...

If you are a long time reader or friend, you may see or hear things that make you uncomfortable. Please try, if possible, to not be. This is my story. Survivors need to tell and live our tales out loud in the hopes that the shame that keeps others in the dark and abusers roaming free unfettered is lifted.  We'll also still explore finding your purpose in life, but I've come to know that this only happens when you are the best you that you can be,

If you are new to this blog, and the coming YouTube channel, welcome! I hope you can take a bit of peace and healing with you from someone saying "me, too."

Time to jump back into the ocean...and the fire...

Happy Fishing!

--Red