"Look, Dana, it's like this: If a monkey dies at the zoo, the zoo doesn't shut down. They get another monkey..."
My friend, Ben, saying this looked earnestly at me over the table where we and our spouses were having dinner. His extremely patient wife, Lisa, rolled her eyes as the conversation had turned once again to band issues. See, Ben, at any given time, may be in any where from 2 to 4 bands and has extensive experience when dealing with issues that arise from the dynamic of putting three or more possibly dysfunctional people in a room together. (Note to my friends in bands: Don't you fight that last statement. There is a reason we are musicians...c'mon now...)
What Ben was trying to say to me, and what he would say later in no uncertain terms, was "You have options." I thought he was just talking about replacement monkeys to keep the zoo exhibit open, but I found it was ultimately something more than that...
I mentioned in my last post that this last year had not been easy. Not only had my band Stonekracker been "out of the game" essentially for well over a decade, but repairing the prior emotional battery that had taken place leading to our ultimate demise, would take it's toll on me several times throughout the year even after this conversation.
My response to this ultimate wisdom from Ben regarding monkeys and their keepers? "But I just got them back..."
This is pivotal and may be where I started losing sight of dream and purpose. I wanted so badly to keep them all; to have this second chance that I just started putting away parts of myself piece by piece in order to never loose any of them ever again from my life.
To be fair, this actually was a time where other pieces of myself started coming to life. My lyric writing had become more vulnerable and I started playing guitar. I think that's how I was dealing with what was happening to me internally. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it made for great music, but what was causing it wasn't necessarily healthy. I oftentimes kept hidden what I would feel about certain situations that would arise within the band. I would feel paralyzed to say something when I didn't like what was going on or disagreed with something. In an effort not to come off as the control freak I had been years earlier, I went completely the other direction and just would smile like I meant it, no matter what was going on.. I didn't want to be the person I was, but am really having trouble being the person I am. So, while I may have been churning out the greatest lyrics and music I had ever written, it was slowly killing me and my desires to even have a dream or live out any prior notions of purpose.
The reason I struggle so hard is this: I love these guys. I'm finding out that may be unusual for a band dynamic these days. I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or how long we've known each other, but I love them. Sometimes that makes figuring out how to handle confrontation difficult because you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that something you say might hurt that person you love and you so don't want it to...
...but sometimes you just might not have that choice...because you are the monkey dying at the zoo...
I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past and at the same time, this should be fun. At this stage in life that's all it should be and that's for everyone. I just want that option to be happy and have that help take that dream of mine where I want it to go...
...oh...wait a minute...
Having options doesn't mean you throw the baby, or the "monkey" out with the bath water, but what it does mean is you can't compromise your own happiness for the happiness of others. Doing that will ultimately kill your dream. It won't be fun anymore no matter how great the process seems to be going. You have to communicate your needs if working with others, because let's face it; it's not about them, it's about you. You just have to hope you and your monkeys are on the same page. If a monkey isn't happy with the conditions at the zoo, and they have to be transferred, it is and ultimately will be okay. That goes for all of you. This is because you know what does and what doesn't make you happy, and there is no more secure position than that. This is because for the first time you realize you are not trying to be a control freak in voicing opinions, but that you want happiness for all of the primates involved precisely because you love them...
...You have "options"...
Happy Fishing!
--Red
P.S - This week Ben put this on my Facebook page wall. Maybe not totally related...but maybe so! Thank you Ben for all of your time...I'll expect the bill in the mail!
