The Monkey Cage

     "Look, Dana, it's like this:  If a monkey dies at the zoo, the zoo doesn't shut down.  They get another monkey..."


    My friend, Ben, saying this looked earnestly at me over the table where we and our spouses were having dinner. His extremely patient wife, Lisa, rolled her eyes as the conversation had turned once again to band issues.  See, Ben, at any given time, may be in any where from 2 to 4 bands and has extensive experience when dealing with issues that arise from the dynamic of putting three or more possibly dysfunctional people in a room together. (Note to my friends in bands:  Don't you fight that last statement.  There is a reason we are musicians...c'mon now...)


     What Ben was trying to say to me, and what he would say later in no uncertain terms, was "You have options."  I thought he was just talking about replacement monkeys to keep the zoo exhibit open, but I found it was ultimately something more than that...


     I mentioned in my last post that this last year had not been easy.  Not only had my band Stonekracker been "out of the game" essentially for well over a decade, but repairing the prior emotional battery that had taken place leading to our ultimate demise, would take it's toll on me several times throughout the year even after this conversation.


     My response to this ultimate wisdom from Ben regarding monkeys and their keepers? "But I just got them back..."


     This is pivotal and may be where I started losing sight of dream and purpose. I wanted so badly to keep them all; to have this second chance that I just started putting away parts of myself piece by piece in order to never loose any of them ever again from my life.


   To be fair, this actually was a time where other pieces of myself started coming to life.  My lyric writing had become more vulnerable and I started playing guitar. I think that's how I was dealing with what was happening to me internally. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it made for great music, but what was causing it wasn't necessarily healthy. I oftentimes kept hidden what I would feel about certain situations that would arise within the band.  I would feel paralyzed to say something when I didn't like what was going on or disagreed with something.  In an effort not to come off as the control freak I had been years earlier, I went completely the other direction and just would smile like I meant it, no matter what was going on..  I didn't want to be the person I was, but am really having trouble being the person I am.  So, while I may have been churning out the greatest lyrics and music I had ever written, it was slowly killing me and my desires to even have a dream or live out any prior notions of purpose.

     The reason I struggle so hard is this:  I love these guys.  I'm finding out that may be unusual for a band dynamic these days.  I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or how long we've known each other, but I love them.  Sometimes that makes figuring out how to handle confrontation difficult because you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that something you say might hurt that person you love and you so don't want it to...

    ...but sometimes you just might not have that choice...because you are the monkey dying at the zoo...


     I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past and at the same time, this should be fun.  At this stage in life that's all it should be and that's for everyone.  I just want that option to be happy and have that help take that dream of mine where I want it to go...
 
     ...oh...wait a minute...

    Having options doesn't mean you throw the baby, or the "monkey" out with the bath water, but what it does mean is you can't compromise your own happiness for the happiness of others.  Doing that will ultimately kill your dream.  It won't be fun anymore no matter how great the process seems to be going.  You have to communicate your needs if working with others, because let's face it; it's not about them, it's about you. You just have to hope you and your monkeys are on the same page.  If a monkey isn't happy with the conditions at the zoo, and they have to be transferred, it is and ultimately will be okay. That goes for all of you. This is because you know what does and what doesn't make you happy, and there is no more secure position than that. This is because for the first time you realize you are not trying to be a control freak in voicing opinions, but that you want happiness for all of the primates involved precisely because you love them...

     ...You have "options"...


Happy Fishing!

--Red


P.S - This week Ben put this on my Facebook page wall.  Maybe not totally related...but maybe so!  Thank you Ben for all of your time...I'll expect the bill in the mail!

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been

     How cool is that?  That's me...see? Really tiny on that stage in the middle...the one with the red hair?  It's been an incredible year...

     I recently realized I hadn't touched this blog in a year.  A whole year.  I thought this might happen.  I mean, once you "grab the starfish" you have to go out there and live the dream, right?  Wait...did I just refer to my purpose as the dream?  I guess when I started this blog it was about finding out what my purpose on this planet was, and I suppose the vehicle by which it was delivered too, but, really, is that necessarily the "dream"?  Before we get to that, let me explain what's been going on from where we left off with each other.

     My band got back together. It's part of the purpose I had discovered for my life ("No Diving in the Shallow End"). The very same band that caused me to question who I was and whether I should be  able to be happy after what happened ("What Doesn't Kill You" ).  Yup. Them. Stonekracker. At first I was excited that we could all exist in the proverbial "water under the bridge" space and felt like that hole in my heart was going away ("The Donut Hole").  It's been one of the best band experiences I've ever had really.  We have greater freedom to create, ego's aren't the problem they were when we were younger, and some of the pressure to "make it" that comes with being a younger person is gone. I play guitar now and I didn't before. People come and see us play and we have so much fun. We are all much older and wiser now.  Piece of cake, right?

    Yeah...no....

    You will never know what you are made of until you are faced to be in contact day after day with the one person in your life who did the most emotional damage to you. Navigating the waters with my lead guitarist, Marc, has been...well...I've described it as a yo-yo.  It just hasn't been easy, and that's for both of us. The old conversations, the way everything went down, the feelings of betrayal between two people who had trusted each other completely at one point; these things come back just by looking at the other one.  Sometimes that's really all it takes. You can't stop the movie from playing.  It just switches on...except it's a horror movie instead of a John Hughes coming of age type movie.

    He apologized over Facebook a few months before we started playing together and I readily accepted that apology, but as you all know, for me, forgive doesn't mean forget. Somewhere around February last year, I was starting to think that we were never going to be on the same page ever again and that there would always be this "thing" that would always be between us.  Some days I still feel that way, but it was at that moment, almost out of the blue, almost as if I was being given a gift from God, he handed me this leather bound book.  It had music stanzas on the front, tied closed with a tiny ribbon, and bore his name at the top.  He told me it was a collection of song lyrics he had written. I felt like this would be a breakthrough for us.  An olive branch to maybe stop the emotional bleeding and start rebuilding the trust.  These were his personal thoughts...and he wanted me to read them.  He wanted to let me back into his life on some level.

     I read it ravenously.  It was all I thought it would be.  It confirmed much for me about him and about us. Then I left him something inside it upon its return...

     Months before he gave me the book, I wrote my apology to him for what had happened between us, but I didn't do it on Facebook.  I had written a song entitled "Fight".  I tucked the lyrics inside his book and was honestly not prepared for the reaction when he found them days later.  Marc was so moved he stayed up for days writing the music, trying to capture the desperation, loneliness, and regret that I had spelled out on the page... 

     ...and he did...and it was amazing.  The song, however, didn't see the light of day until the band recorded it in October for an acoustic compilation we were going to be on. The song, although absolutely remarkable, was too painful, but we agreed that it was finally time to release it.  Over the last year we also killed our entire back catalog of old songs and wrote all new ones so it's been a busy time.  I've been working on repairing my relationship with Marc, writing new music, trying to keep my head above water playing the guitar...I also did start a new job that has taken me a little off of the accounting trail as I thought should happen. I've really been working at all of those things I found out about myself and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life...or have I?

     Marc and I during this time had also decided to start a business together.  He's an audio engineer and wanted to get back into recording and producing bands.   I was over at my friends Jeremy and Amy's house last weekend picking up some business cards that Jeremy has made for our business.   Jeremy is an amazing graphic artist and has his own small business, Punk, Rock, Love - Illustration and Design.  We were sitting around talking when Amy asked me why I went into business with Marc.

    "It's Marc's dream to do this and I want to help him do that," I explained.

    "Yeah, but what's YOUR dream?" Amy asked.

    ...Wait...What?

     When the Greatful Dead wrote "Truckin'", a song about their misfortunes on the road as a metaphor for getting though life culminating in the refrain "what a long strange trip it's been", I think they were on to something.  I have found myself so sidetracked lately with the band business as it's gotten bigger and the new business, that maybe I'm starting to forget about the purpose.  Maybe I am forgetting about my dreams in all of this, because when Amy said that, I had nothing. I've been just running ragged; completely on "what do I have to accomplish next" mode without ever asking why, is it necessary, and am I happy.  With all of the work to get all the songs ready, the work to promote all of the shows we did, the emotional upheaval I've experienced being back in this situation, the details of learning a new job...with the "long strange trip it's been"...I may have lost me a little bit along the way.

     It's time to dial back and return to the writer I am in the core center of my being to figure all of this out. I know the purpose, but what's the dream, and do those things compliment each other and with the rush that is life, how do I hold on to them?

    As I sip, my coffee, and stare out my office window at a cold and dreary winter day, I'm listening to "These Dreams" by Heart... 

"These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
There's something out there I can't resist"
       
     ...welcome back... and here we go again...


Happy Fishing

--Red


PS - If you'd like to hear me expound upon the story of  "Fight", and hear the first time it was played on the radio, you can do so right here!  Many thanks to Loris Lowe and KLBJ FM 93.7 in Austin, TX for having me in the studio! Loris is an amazing person and supports the local music scene in Austin with her show Local Licks Live.  https://soundcloud.com/klbj937/local-licks-podcast-january-20-2015
  

The Donut Hole

     I live near the famous, or infamous, Lone Star Bakery, known world wide for their "Round Rock Donut."  Have you seen the "Texas Sized" one? No? For your reference...

     Big, huh? So big they show you a regular sized donut for comparison.  It's the only way I can describe the way I've felt about Christmastime for the past 12 years or so.  Something was missing.  It was like there was a "Texas Sized Round Rock Donut" hole in my life that no matter how I tried I couldn't fill...

    ...until this past Christmas.

    Part of my "grabbing the starfish" and living out my purpose in this life has been reuniting with my band, StoneKracker, which has really been amazing on so many levels. However, I got a very unexpected lesson from this recent development a few weeks ago.

     See, "back in the day," December was always CD release party time.  Even if it wasn't, we'd still have some special show to prepare for. So when my friend, Ben, asked us to play a benefit show this past December,  "yes" came flying out of my mouth pretty quickly.  I'm glad the other members readily agreed or that would have been awkward...

     Eric and I were driving to the gig, looking at Christmas lights that adorned the houses along the way, when I realized this overwhelming sense of "everything is right with the world." Everything seemed completely as it should be....

    ...The "Texas Sized Round Rock Donut" hole had suddenly become a jelly filled donut...or  creme filled...mmmmmm...okay, anyway, it was filled. No hole. I didn't feel that "thing" that had been nagging at me every Christmas season for years.

     When I became a dog trainer I would hold an event at Christmas. Cookies for the dogs, pictures with Santa, etc. it sufficed, but I would still have this feeling in the back of my mind that all wasn't quite right. I always felt like I was going through the motions of something else I was supposed to be doing. Then I was a Sunday School teacher.  I threw myself into church functions at Christmas.  That empty feeling only surprisingly got bigger!  Yet, I really shouldn't have been surprised.  My spiritual type is "crusader."  What this means essentially is that, long explanation short, I was never meant to sit quietly in a pew.  Unfortunately, this also means that I lay down the life of Eric's spiritual type with no qualms.  So, he can't sit quietly in the pew either, but anyway, even though I thought I was doing something by going to all the events and concerts, it was all passive participation and nothing that would ultimately fill the donut hole.

     When I think about it, what I feel was happening is that I was once again in use of my gifts and exercising my purpose in this life. When I'm not, I can feel the direct conflict with my soul.  When we are in direct conflict with our souls, we feel that something just isn't right and that's what defines what our "starfish" is for us.  What could you do for hours and not recognize the time has gone by? What gives you sense of happiness while you are doing it like nothing else.  What fills the Texas sized donut hole in your heart...

     ...mmmmmm...donuts...

     While your pondering all this, here is a picture of the "Flying Pig" from Gordough's, another donut place in town.  It has bacon... 

     ...mmmmmm.....bacon...now there's a "gift"!  

     Do what fills the donut hole in your soul...or maybe even fills your stomach...I think I'm hungry...


Happy Fishing!

--Red

Coloring Outside the Lines

  

     When I was in kindergarten the only thing I ever remember doing was coloring. One day we were given a couple of pictures to color in. I remember one distinctly.  It was a girl walking down the street, I can't remember whether she was pushing a stroller or walking a dog, but she was definitely eating a doughnut. The boy sitting next to me had an interesting suggestion when he saw me accidentally color outside of the lines.

        "Just color the whole thing red..."

        (A few things to mention. First, I probably should have learned to never listen to boys. Second, I ended up always being surrounded by boys  in my friendships and that probably started here. Third, I think this began my fascination with the color red.  Now back to the story.)

       Hhhmmmmmmm...I mean what could it hurt right?  I colored the whole picture red.  Then with my little friend's approval, I colored the second one orange.

     "WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?!?" I heard coming from my teacher, Mrs. Mercado (and this is probably why I remember her name to this day).  I was in huge trouble.  I got yelled at in front of the class. I remember sitting their crying while everyone else was turning in their pictures.  I remember being ashamed when my parents came for some parent's night and our papers were displayed on the wall...

     ...all because I had colored outside of the lines...

    

     I have a great amount trouble being out of my "comfort zone."  It's something I've struggled with for a long time.  Young kids are extremely impressionable and that's the lesson I learned that day.  Go outside of what is "normal" and be prepared to feel the wrath for whoever and whatever.

     When you move outside of your comfort zone, you become open to all of the possibilities for your life.  What makes us want to stay in that safe place is desire avoid disappointments, hard challenges, and loss.  You have to ask your self, though, as you stay in your cozy world, are you really living?  It may be stable, but I'm betting it's stagnant, too.  If I had to say one thing to make you move want to experience life outside of the bubble, it would be this:  All of the bad things are much easier to take when you are doing something you are truly passionate about.  Rely on your belief in your gifts to move you through the hard times. Learn to say, "Okay...that happened...next!"  

     My life over the last six months or so has been a tremendous lesson in letting go, moving forward, and not sticking to a schedule on any level. It's been spinning out of control with opportunity after opportunity and that....THAT...is a good thing. However, it doesn't mean I haven't been extremely uncomfortable in the process.  It's hard to fight the notion that nothing bad will happen if I just stay right here inside the lines...

     ...nothing good will happen either.  Go ahead.  Color the whole picture red... 


Happy Fishing!!!

--Red
    

First World Problems

     I realized that since I essentially "grabbed the starfish" I'm writing about the ways in which my outlook on life has changed.  Today will be no exception, but I find it interesting that once you know who you really are and what you were essentially born to do, how many other things about your life improve.

     A friend of mine sent me a video on how we've been more of a "self-help" or introspective nation, and how now we need to get to be more of an "empathetic" or outrospective nation.  I couldn't agree more; we need more empathy.  We need to be able to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.  It would make us less abrasive, more agreeable, not so quick to anger if we saw others like we saw ourselves.  See though?  That's the key.  We need to see ourselves first.  Therefore we need the introspection to get to the outrospection.

     Anyways, that's where I feel the extensive looking inside has led.  I am much more willing to see another person as the same broken human being that I am.  I am much more forgiving. I'm not as quick to anger.  I feel more at peace.  Something else pretty amazing has happened, too.  I am a lot more "fluid" than I used to be.

     I could never step outside of my little controlled life so much in the way I can now before.  I liked control and routine because I felt like I could stop so much of the loss and general "bad things" that have happened in my life from ever happening again.  If something didn't go as planned, or my routine was broken in any way, well, I would go into hysterics.

     Eric and I went back to Vegas recently.  It was kind of a do-over from April, when I had freshly broken my wrist and needed more rest.  While we had a great time in April, we wanted to go back and "do it up right"!  We had so much fun and food planned and I was ready!  I wanted nothing to interfere with the perfectly planned much needed vacation that we both needed.

     "Your baggage claim will be at carousel 1.  Everyone have a nice day."  If you have never been to McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas, let me give you a tip.  The baggage carousels are contained in two separate terminals: numbers 1 and 3.  This is usually not a problem if you are flying Southwest.  You seem to come out in the right place you need to be to follow the crown to the correct terminal.  This time we were on American.  They do not dump you out in the right place if you are going to terminal 1, where carousel 1 is located.  Guess where Eric and I went. Correct; terminal 3.

    "You need to go down that hallway to the doors that say '55.'  Then wait for the shuttle to take you to Terminal 1"  Great.  We find the shuttle stop.  No shuttle and lots of other angry, misguided people waiting.  The driver sent to pick us up keeps calling Eric.  We are both starting to get very, very cranky.  It was then I started thinking...

    "...What's the worst thing that can happen?  Really?  The driver leaves us and someone take our luggage?  So we try to get in a cab and I get to buy all new clothes tomorrow?  What is wrong with you, Dana.  You are in Vegas.  You get to have a vacation and do cool things.  Sure, you may not get the nap you planned, but you will adjust. Caffeine exists.  Get over it..."

    ...and I did...and our driver waited and our luggage was there...

     The rest of the trip provided queen beds instead of a king, a missing reservation for a packed charity event, another missing reservation for the private oasis pool at The Mirage, and rain the day we were supposed to go the pool.  You know what happened?  The beds got straightened out, we got into the charity event anyway, The Mirage let us into the pool, and Eric and I almost had the entire pool to ourselves because it was raining.

     Best. Vacation. Ever.

     I think that having empathy accidentally leads to something else; being grateful.  If I didn't understand the plight of others, I might not understand how really blessed I am to have "first world problems..."  I really don't have anything to be upset or worry about.  Really.

     Oh, about that nap I missed...didn't really miss it at all I guess. I realized I was up for 22 hours that day. 



Happy Fishing!

--Red
  



    

The Better or Bitter Battle

 

      Eric was playing The Memory Card game with his Mom, niece and nephew.  Eric is an old pro at this, from what I understand, but when he matched two cards, I watched him pick them up, show them to his niece and say, "In your face!"  Although this was all in fun, and trust me, she gave it right back to him, I told Eric that maybe it's best not to "in your face" a seven year old.  Of course, this was a lot of talk from me...I wasn't even playing.

     I 've always had a problem with competition.  If I think about it, as children my brother and I were constantly pitted against each other. If one of us did something better or more desirable than the other one, we heard about it. You had to strive to be nothing less than number 1, or perfect, in my house. This is probably why I can't handle competition generally.  I go into "kill" mode too easily, get super bitter if I don't win, and extremely arrogant if I do.   

     My friend's band recently had their new CD release party,  I've been going to their shows for a year now, and honestly, they are truly awesome talents.  One of the guys in the band I've known around the music scene for nearly twenty years. His previous band got signed, played on huge festivals and tours, and did a lot of cool things that most people really don't get too.  StoneKracker, my band, did a lot of cool things too, but not as many as this guy's band did.  While I am more than okay with that now, and feel so blessed for what we did do, I can assure you that wasn't always the case.

     The music scene here while StoneKracker had it's run was extremely competitive.  People fought over gigs, slots on those gigs, and generally tried to cut other bands down with gossip, etc.  Eric and I tried to stay out of it as much as possible, but still found ourselves immersed in it from time to time.  It's really hard to better yourself or your craft in that kind of environment.  I can't say I've missed that all these years, and have honeslty been thankful for the time away.

 

     I also can't say I didn't carry that into all of the other things I did like dog training or my day job.  I tried not to, I really did, but competition would rear it's ugly head.  So, I literally stopped participating.  I left the music scene, quit dog training, and work in small offices where I am the only one who does what I do.  I definitely don't play board or card games of any kind.

 

     Something miraculous happened though in my time away.  As much as I unburdened myself from having to compete, it opened up the time for examination in my life to understand why I would react the way I did when I did.  I've dealt with a lot of negative feelings and their roots over the past years and realized one key thing: if I don't feel good about myself, I'm not going to feel good about any body else, or their accomplishments, either.  That's it really, isn't it?  Someone who is angry all of the time for what ever reason, is not going to have the warm fuzzies for anyone, right?  So why, when you see someone who has more than you, is doing something perceived as better than you are, or getting all the breaks, wouldn't you get bitter?

 

     The problem is just being bitter isn't going to solve anything.  It isn't going to actually make you work harder to beat that person at their own game.  You are going to spend so much time talking about that person and what you're going to do, that many times you don't do it at all.  You just get stagnant in shallowness and resentment.  I think I point this out before, but it's easier to throw stones at someone who has put themselves out there than go out and accomplish something for yourself.  If you are always trying to beat another person at their accomplishments, the only person you end up beating is yourself.

 

      At that CD release party I noticed the change that years of looking into what makes me tick has brought.  Instead of being jealous that someone else was up there accomplishing, I felt excited and inspired to do my own thing.  It was a pleasant and most welcome surprise.  I am no longer going to sit on those sidelines and complain.  I'm going to actually do something.  Maybe I'll be better than the next guy; maybe I won't...I will be all me...a better me...consistently.

 

     Found this the other day on Facebook:

 

 
      That about sums it up. I have freed myself of that old way of running the race...

      ...Oh...about The Memory Card game I didn't play...those kids freaking tire me out! "Uncle" Eric can play with them...he has the stamina!



Happy Fishing!



--Red

 

 

  

The Toxic Avenger

     One of my friends posted this on Facebook the other day...

     Good, huh?  Certainly going to use this phrase the next time anyone tries to bring their "drama" my way  I'm not only trying to take a slower approach to life, but an over-the-top-personal-incident free one as well....

      ....That reminds me...I talked a little about it my last post about how to make social media a nicer place, but what I didn't fully address was what to do about "toxic" people in your life. I'm not talking about people who seem to always have a bad day and always end up in unfortunate circumstances who want to tell you all about it looking for sympathy.  I'm talking about the person who always tries to belittle you to the point where they become your unfortunate circumstance. They disrespect you, your feelings, and are undeniably trying to cause you pain.

     Now, I've been blessed to not have a whole lot of crazy in my life since, first, I got married, and second, I quite the entertainment scene for awhile, but there have been a few "hangers on" from my past that, well, never got the message that I'm just not in that place anymore.  One was family, one was a long time friend, both in my estimation are extremely troubled individuals.  However, I realized I had to look deep down at myself to ask why I have allowed anyone in my life to have any kind of derogatory hold over it.  Perhaps, I was somewhat troubled. too.

     I realized that it wasn't all the toxic person's fault.  I set bad boundaries, or really, none at all.  Or maybe if I tried set them, I didn't stick to it.  I teach a seminar on forgiveness.  It's a tough topic anyway, but the one thing that people have the hardest time with is the premise that if you forgive someone, that doesn't mean you have to have them in your life.  Sometimes, it's just not possible.  The other person hasn't reconciled that part of them that makes them want to hurt you for whatever reason.  Forgiveness is more about you than that other person.  It's so you don't carry around hate for yourself or them....

   ..."Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

     See what I mean?  It eats at you.  They don't care.  Sure, forgiveness can ideally lead to reconciliation, but only when the other person can accept and give forgiveness themselves...

     ...so until then, they gotta go.

     I actually had the privilege of some of my toxic family "defriending" me on Facebook.  I was hanging on, not "defriending" them thinking, "well, what if they truly need me," etc., and so on.  Let me tell you, I have never felt better!  I figure I would have done the "defriending" sooner or later, but they saved me the trouble.  I don't have to look at the negativity every day and I don't have to have them berate me for being about not taking sides in a family dispute.  I was literally told by one of them once to go back to my "gentle starfish blog."  What?  Wait...was that supposed to be an insult?  In their eyes, yes, but if the worst thing someone can think of to call me is "gentle," I'm doing something right with my life.

   The blog was a problem for the other person I mentioned, too; the long time friend.  I'll admit, our relationship did not start out on equal ground. I didn't have the best self-esteem at 22 years old, but, I'll be honest, unfortunately many young women don't at that age.  I was easy to take advantage of.  My bad.  That's how I was troubled.  However, this person thought that's how the dynamic of our relationship still worked when I would receive a message from them.  Usually, the messages would make fun of my beliefs or my blog. I would ask for them to be more respectful, they would for awhile, but then I would get the same kind of derogatory defamation messages.  I had grown beyond our previous relationship, set healthy boundaries, but this person just couldn't keep crossing them.  This time, I did the "defriending."

     Look, some people in this world  just aren't going to want you to succeed.  That's okay; it's their issue, not yours.  It’s much easier to sit back and criticize others' efforts than to have the wherewithal to get out there and do something themselves. You have the ability to keep them around or not, and that's up to you.  I just want you to know you now have the permission necessary to not keep them around.  It doesn't make you a bad person, friend, family member, etc.  You shouldn't allow abuses in your live as there is no self-respect in that. They may need you in the future, and that's okay, too.  If you want to feel better about not having someone in your life now, don't harden your heart to the possibilities that they may need you in the future.  Forgive not seven times, but seventy times seven. Forgive as much as it takes for you to go on with your life and do what you need to do to "grab the starfish"...

     ...but don't take any one's unbridled crap either...

That says it all doesn't?  Oh, and so does, "Not my circus; not my monkeys."

Happy Fishing!

--Red