Scabs

     I noticed something interesting about myself after that last posting.  Well...I almost noticed it during the last posting, but what I have noticed is I have already become profoundly different after ripping off that band aid...

     I've had a new job for the last five months.  Most people there did not know about the previous band I was in. The idea of an Accountant who was a former metal front person is amusing, so I indulged a few by passing out a couple of copies of our last CD...our last CD from ten years ago mind you!  There was one requirement I asked of those listening:  don't judge!  I had already admitted to a few flat notes and music that fit a metal genre past it's prime, so I was fully aware of the shortcomings of my talent.  I didn't need a reminder.

     What would happen over the course of that afternoon was surprising.  The reviews were actually good!  It was the review by my co-worker Teresa where I would notice how my thoughts had shifted after the publication of the last blog. She loved my rapping (yes...I rap...), but really loved my singing!  She told me how she had favorite songs and how she listened to it twice and was going to listen to it again...

     ...and I said..."Thank you."  Without cringing, without playing it off, without running myself down, I said, "Thank you!"

    I had never been able to fully handle a compliment before in my life.  I have friends that actually recognized this in me and would yell across a room, "Red!  Just say, 'Thank you!'"  It may have looked like humility, but it was purely feeling unworthy of praise.

    Something happened when I faced those words on the computer screen last week.  It was out there.  It couldn't hurt me any more.  I was looking at them and absorbing while at the same time releasing their ugliness.  I actually felt myself fighting for me while writing them.  I kept wanting to throw "buts" in there.  I'm this, but also I'm this.  The second "this" was something more noble; something more beautiful.  I wanted the full effect of this cathartic process, so I left out the "buts," however, I left the process more confident...more healed if you will.

     A scab is defined as a "wound healing reconstruction phrase."  I think that's where I am in all of this Starfish grabbing... 

     If you rip off the band aid, quickly, with no "buts," you may find you are healing underneath.  I'm not saying I will never pick at it, but I do know that another scab will form until one day I let the would heal completely.


Happy Fishing!

--Red