I've had a new job for the last five months. Most people there did not know about the previous band I was in. The idea of an Accountant who was a former metal front person is amusing, so I indulged a few by passing out a couple of copies of our last CD...our last CD from ten years ago mind you! There was one requirement I asked of those listening: don't judge! I had already admitted to a few flat notes and music that fit a metal genre past it's prime, so I was fully aware of the shortcomings of my talent. I didn't need a reminder.
...and I said..."Thank you." Without cringing, without playing it off, without running myself down, I said, "Thank you!"
I had never been able to fully handle a compliment before in my life. I have friends that actually recognized this in me and would yell across a room, "Red! Just say, 'Thank you!'" It may have looked like humility, but it was purely feeling unworthy of praise.
Something happened when I faced those words on the computer screen last week. It was out there. It couldn't hurt me any more. I was looking at them and absorbing while at the same time releasing their ugliness. I actually felt myself fighting for me while writing them. I kept wanting to throw "buts" in there. I'm this, but also I'm this. The second "this" was something more noble; something more beautiful. I wanted the full effect of this cathartic process, so I left out the "buts," however, I left the process more confident...more healed if you will.
A scab is defined as a "wound healing reconstruction phrase." I think that's where I am in all of this Starfish grabbing...
If you rip off the band aid, quickly, with no "buts," you may find you are healing underneath. I'm not saying I will never pick at it, but I do know that another scab will form until one day I let the would heal completely.