One of Eric and my favorite show was Malcolm in the Middle. There was this one episode where Reese, the older brother said he could just turn his brain off. When Malcolm asked him to stop playing around he said, "No, watch!" He then proceeds to have a blank stare, mouth open, like he's not registering anything. That's how I've felt the last month. Although, I'm not sure I was consciously doing it like Reese.
I've stopped a lot of activities in my life in the effort to free my life up, know what I'm saying "yes" to, and be better able to say "no" to other things. I think I may have done this too late because the combination of everything I had been involved with and the acquisition at work, which has been nothing short of frustrating. has left me literally with blank stare and mouth open.
Here is an example of a night at my house:
Eric: "What do you want to do?'
Me: "I don't know."
Eric: (A few minutes later) "So, what do you want to do?"
Me: "I really don't know. Nothing. I am perfectly fine doing nothing."
I commence to sit there, staring at the TV, not watching anything in particular....
...And I am really, really, fine with that.
It's a strange place to be in. I thought maybe it was the feeling of being overwhelmed that I have experienced before, but am quickly starting to realize that it's something way more than that. There are times that I literally don't want to/can't do anything. This makes working really hard much less doing anything else easy. I've been off for four days because we are having some work done to our house. This is the first time I've felt like doing anything. I knew I needed to write. I haven't written in a few weeks. I really, really, just didn't want to do it, much less have any creative thought to be able to put fingers to keyboard. I've been numb. Nothing. No thought. I had shut off my brain.
Dealing with the residual of years of business has got me thinking about how I got here. Do you know I haven't had an actual vacation, where you get on a plane, go somewhere fun, and come back mind clear in three years? Three years! I mean sure, we have reasons like I got a new job, then Eric got a new job, we chose to have work done to the house, trying to reduce debt, etc, etc, but this could be some of the issue. Never underestimate the importance of a vacation. I remember one of my friends saying, "Debt reduction be damned! We're going on vacation!" I need to keep that in my head. I need to be able to pay for it, but I also need to remember to go. Every year. No matter what.
Then there is the whole thing about knowing what you are saying "yes" to so you know what to say "no" to. I'm getting really good at this lately and it will really help me in the future, but I seriously waiting too long to develop that skill. I waited way too long to accept that some things I was doing had run their course and give them up. I did not know myself well enough to know that these were things that were filling the space of the things I didn't recognize that I really wanted to do with my life. It's really hard giving up those things, especially when there are other people involved who may have hurt feelings. I've been a people pleaser all my life, mostly because nothing was ever good enough for my parents, long story short, and I am surprised how much of that has carried into adulthood. Learning to do what's best for me, and being okay with that has been difficult.
I did come up with a phrase I say over and over again in my head when having to drop something from my life that involves others. "If they get upset/mad. don't understand because you said, 'no,' then they really weren't your friends to begin with." Isn't that what we are all afraid of? Someone won't like us? Why do we want people who don't like us for who we are as friends? It's a weird societal issue and I don't think I'm the only one who has suffered from it. I don't know what it is. Maybe I didn't like myself enough to think others would like me if I didn't "wear the pork chop around my neck to get the dog to like me." I also think that way of thinking for me is over. It just happened too late.
So for now, more resting, no pushing myself, and building my endurance back up. It may take awhile, but I'm going to give my self that time. Even going to slow down and methodically perform my tasks at work. I'm only doing things in my life that nourish my soul right now, and am starting out slow with those as well. Sure, I'm "busy" with those kind of things until the end of April, but am looking forward to some enriching and inspiring experiences. I just need to give myself that permission to rest when I need it. Just float along basically....and stare at the TV...
...Oh yeah, almost forgot...Eric and I planned a vacation! Vegas here I come! Debt reduction be damned...
Happy Fishing!
--Red
Red Leigh Cooper
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Airplanes, and Elevators, and Migraines, Oh My!
When we got out second dog, Kobi, our first dog, Dali, used him as somewhat of a coping mechanism. She was terrified of most situations outside of the home and even had a hard time letting anyone touch her except for Eric and me. One of the trainers at the kennel we would take them to when we would go out of town would always say, "You need to send Dali her by herself..." As a dog trainer I knew that was because they wanted to teach Dali to cope on her own.
Seems she wasn't the only one that needed help in that area.
I would never typically describe Eric and My's relationship as "co-dependant," but I have to say, and I'm not proud of this, is that for years I have used him as a coping mechanism just like Dali used Kobi. Anything I feared I did with him and would certainly never do without him. That option came to a screeching halt last week. I had to travel to California on business. Accountants don't travel as a rule unless you are an auditor, then that's a whole different enchilada, but typically your scope is right there in your cube. I wasn't an accountant anymore, though, I'm now in Sales. Salespeople travel....and Eric can't go with me.
You are probably aware from my series last year on fear that there are some key things I'm afraid of, you know, besides sharks. You may have gathered that I am afraid of flying and elevators, but what you may not have gathered is that I'm afraid of getting sick, particular having the kind of migraine that can send you to the hospital like I did a year and a half ago without Eric being there. Doing this was completely not going to be easy at all and, I'll be honest, I did a lot of private crying and praying because I was having such a hard time with it all. I shut down sometimes like I imagine Dali would have if we ever had sent her to the kennel alone all those years.
Then the day came. I had to go. I kissed my husband and dog goodbye and cried halfway to the airport. I was mad that other people my age didn't have these issues. In my mind I was marching to my certain death, but no one else seemed to feel that way. That or they were really good at hiding it. I couldn't be the only one afraid of flying, could I? I actually scheduled three of my co-workers, who were also going out there, on the same flight. I couldn't be a blubbering mess in front of my co-workers. I'll admit it; potential shame is an awesome fear killer. It helps as well these people were funny and jokers, and faked screamed and shook my seat as we took off in order to make me laugh.
Did I just use them to cope, too, like I do my husband? I mean, Dali would be nice to anybody while staying at their house, then the minute Eric and I would be in the picture, she would turn around and nip them. True story. She was survivor. Only problem was she didn't understand that she didn't need to do that. She was going to be taken care of and not ever hurt by the person who's house she was staying at. The only people she ever trusted completely not to hurt her were Eric and myself. That fear was so ingrained in her very being, she just couldn't see past it...
...Oh my God...once again...I was the Bulldog.
So, honestly, here is what I did before I was even seated, waiting to take off with my co-workers. When I say this, know I don't care of what faith you are, or aren't, but it helps to have some kind of belief system, even if it's a tremendous faith in yourself, to get beyond a fear this deep. For me, I prayed until I understood and felt that God was with me and I would be fine. That took a tremendous amount of praying until I really felt His presence in my gut as if no one could hurt me. Not this time. Not this trip. I don't think I could have gotten to that place if I didn't take the time to be with the issue, process it, roll it over in my mind, then really give it to someone higher than myself. I wrestled with it for days before I left and somewhere in the airport, before I got on that plane, I made a peace with it. I declared it done. Over with. I made a serious "leap of faith."
I just knew I was going to be okay. I weathered take-offs, turbulence, hotel elevators (all alone by myself I might add), and didn't get a single migraine. I not only made it home okay, but I had a great time out in California. I'll tell you what though, I hugged Kobi when I got home like I never had before. I think I was trying to tell him I was sorry for everything with Dali. The stress it must have been on him to take care of such a fearful companion...
.....Go on, "Bubba," and relax. Yours and "Daddy's" work are done.
Happy Fishing!
--Red
Monday, January 14, 2013
Apples and Trees
So, as I've mentioned, I'm trying to take time for myself and offload some of the various activities that keep me way busier than I need to be. Things are going swimmingly (pardon the pun) well. I'm the happiest I've been in awhile. Still a few things that need, let's call it, "fixing," but I am dealing with them better and better everyday. I am more refreshed and more up to "starfish grabbing" than I've been in awhile. There is one thing though that I can't completely seem to get away from, and try as I may, it keeps coming back over and over again...
...This thing of which I speak is genetics.
Okay so maybe not totally genetics. I don't want to get into the nature vs. nurture argument here, but I can't seem to put my family's past behind me. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time you know, or at least have been introduced to glimpses of the fact, that I didn't have the best of relationships with my biological mother. So instead of a few more situational glimpses, I'm going to briefly detail what happened.
Let me first say that I have forgiveness in my heart for my biological mother. After spending time examining it, and getting bits and pieces of information from my father, I realized my mother couldn't help who she was. I don't know if it was all "nature." I don't know if it was all "nurture." I would put my money on it that it was a combination of the two, but my mother abused me from the time I was twelve until I left home at age sixteen. It was verbal abuse at first, but then became physical. The stories I've told in this blog are all from before that age, but you could see where our relationship was headed.
I have worked very hard to achieve some sort of "normalcy" to my life. Anyone who was belittled constantly starts to believe their own unworthiness. Any one beaten starts to wonder if they deserved it and isn't fit to have better in their lives. It has taken great amounts of self-examination to function as well as I currently believe I do. I am grateful that I have a wonderful marriage, in-laws who love me, a decent relationship with my Dad, and that I don't breakdown at the sign of difficulty or become riddled with anger like I used to. I've cried alot. I've had to face who I am honestly. I have had to change my mindset habitually every day until positivity and love truly became part of my thought patterns. I had to love myself, and my past, for better or worse. I am fully reconciled with that part of my life...
...Now to the point...
I have a favorite saying as of late. "The apple didn't fall far from the tree." See? Genetics...
I have tried to roll down the hill and into the village below in my best attempt to get away from the tree, and become something greater, like an apple pie...mmmmmmm...apple pie....but I digress. One of the other apples, however, is trying desperately to get me to be part of the bushel again. Remember how I just said I was fully reconciled with that part of my life? Maybe I'm just okay with the "tree...."
... I hadn't thought about the other apple...
I was amazed at all the pain this person, uh, "apple" was able to resurrect in my life, but I really shouldn't have been surprised. I started to see my biological mother in everything this person did. Over the last year I have relived every single indiscretion taken out upon me as a teenager through watching this person's actions. Sometimes I would even be the recipient of private message insults and threats when to the rest of the world they would come off as a delightful, knowledgeable, and maybe even trustworthy. Knowing how they behaved, I had tried for so many years to distance myself. Technology has made the world so small, and it's harder than just not answering phone calls any more. I found myself going back to that bad place in my memories because of the distress that this person was trying to create for me, and even a few others around them. Every part of the seed of this apple had come directly from the roots of the tree. Much like my biological mother, they just couldn't help themselves...
...and then I realized something...
I am no longer that abused little girl. I have forgiven the "tree." I now have to forgive the "apple" because it was born of the "tree" and has never been able to see how to roll down the hill and into the village to become something greater (like the apple pie). I want to say something most people don't realize about forgiveness. They think that forgiveness means you have to forget and pretend like nothing ever happened. Not true. Forgiveness is for them, but ultimately, it's really for you. It's an understanding of why that person did what they did so you can move on with your life and realize it wasn't because you were a bad person or you deserved it or any of the things that can hold you back from your life. The forgiveness process includes, even though you understand why someone is doing what they are doing to you, never letting them have that option again...ever...
There are some ways to escape technology and to keep others from harassing you. I think I'm figuring out how to do that while continuing with the more peaceful person I've become and life I have. I've just rolled too far away from the tree to be put back in the bushel.
Where's the ice cream? Say what you want, apple; you can't touch me. I'm a pie now!
Happy Fishing!
--Red
P.S. - Some of you may wonder why I refer to my mother as my "biological mother." I don't want her to be confused with the wonderful stepmother I had when I moved in with her and my Dad after leaving home at sixteen. I have been known to call my stepmother my mother, so that's why the distinction. I think having that stable home with her, my Dad, and my foster sister aided this "apple" to roll down the hill. For that I will forever be thankful and feel blessed.
...This thing of which I speak is genetics.
Okay so maybe not totally genetics. I don't want to get into the nature vs. nurture argument here, but I can't seem to put my family's past behind me. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time you know, or at least have been introduced to glimpses of the fact, that I didn't have the best of relationships with my biological mother. So instead of a few more situational glimpses, I'm going to briefly detail what happened.
Let me first say that I have forgiveness in my heart for my biological mother. After spending time examining it, and getting bits and pieces of information from my father, I realized my mother couldn't help who she was. I don't know if it was all "nature." I don't know if it was all "nurture." I would put my money on it that it was a combination of the two, but my mother abused me from the time I was twelve until I left home at age sixteen. It was verbal abuse at first, but then became physical. The stories I've told in this blog are all from before that age, but you could see where our relationship was headed.
I have worked very hard to achieve some sort of "normalcy" to my life. Anyone who was belittled constantly starts to believe their own unworthiness. Any one beaten starts to wonder if they deserved it and isn't fit to have better in their lives. It has taken great amounts of self-examination to function as well as I currently believe I do. I am grateful that I have a wonderful marriage, in-laws who love me, a decent relationship with my Dad, and that I don't breakdown at the sign of difficulty or become riddled with anger like I used to. I've cried alot. I've had to face who I am honestly. I have had to change my mindset habitually every day until positivity and love truly became part of my thought patterns. I had to love myself, and my past, for better or worse. I am fully reconciled with that part of my life...
...Now to the point...
I have a favorite saying as of late. "The apple didn't fall far from the tree." See? Genetics...
I have tried to roll down the hill and into the village below in my best attempt to get away from the tree, and become something greater, like an apple pie...mmmmmmm...apple pie....but I digress. One of the other apples, however, is trying desperately to get me to be part of the bushel again. Remember how I just said I was fully reconciled with that part of my life? Maybe I'm just okay with the "tree...."
... I hadn't thought about the other apple...
I was amazed at all the pain this person, uh, "apple" was able to resurrect in my life, but I really shouldn't have been surprised. I started to see my biological mother in everything this person did. Over the last year I have relived every single indiscretion taken out upon me as a teenager through watching this person's actions. Sometimes I would even be the recipient of private message insults and threats when to the rest of the world they would come off as a delightful, knowledgeable, and maybe even trustworthy. Knowing how they behaved, I had tried for so many years to distance myself. Technology has made the world so small, and it's harder than just not answering phone calls any more. I found myself going back to that bad place in my memories because of the distress that this person was trying to create for me, and even a few others around them. Every part of the seed of this apple had come directly from the roots of the tree. Much like my biological mother, they just couldn't help themselves...
...and then I realized something...
I am no longer that abused little girl. I have forgiven the "tree." I now have to forgive the "apple" because it was born of the "tree" and has never been able to see how to roll down the hill and into the village to become something greater (like the apple pie). I want to say something most people don't realize about forgiveness. They think that forgiveness means you have to forget and pretend like nothing ever happened. Not true. Forgiveness is for them, but ultimately, it's really for you. It's an understanding of why that person did what they did so you can move on with your life and realize it wasn't because you were a bad person or you deserved it or any of the things that can hold you back from your life. The forgiveness process includes, even though you understand why someone is doing what they are doing to you, never letting them have that option again...ever...
There are some ways to escape technology and to keep others from harassing you. I think I'm figuring out how to do that while continuing with the more peaceful person I've become and life I have. I've just rolled too far away from the tree to be put back in the bushel.
Where's the ice cream? Say what you want, apple; you can't touch me. I'm a pie now!
Happy Fishing!
--Red
P.S. - Some of you may wonder why I refer to my mother as my "biological mother." I don't want her to be confused with the wonderful stepmother I had when I moved in with her and my Dad after leaving home at sixteen. I have been known to call my stepmother my mother, so that's why the distinction. I think having that stable home with her, my Dad, and my foster sister aided this "apple" to roll down the hill. For that I will forever be thankful and feel blessed.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
"...Had just settled down for a long winter's nap..."
There is this Christmas cartoon that I try to catch every year if I can find it on called "Twas the Night Before Christmas." It's based on the the famous poem, of course, but the story involves a clock maker, Joshua Trundle, his family, and the family of mice, who incidentally can talk, that live in his house. One of the mice children wrote a letter to Santa Claus that said that he was a fraud, Santa gets mad, and they all have to figure out how to make Santa happy again. Long story short they write Santa a song that is supposed to play though the town square clock at midnight, but they had problems making it work, so on Christmas Eve they give up hope and just go to bed...
...That's what I did this Christmas.
After my last post, I realized I had some serious going overs and getting pasts to do. I had four full days, starting on December 22nd, to really think about an immensely hard 2012 through which I had, just like Joshua Trundle...and the mice, given up hope. The cartoon actually ends with Joshua reciting the "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" while Santa arrives because one of the mouse children fixes the clock and it plays the song and Santa is happy again. My husband Eric always loves the part when it says, "...had just settled down for a long winter's nap."
Eric just really enjoys a good nap. I started to wonder when, on the weekends, I had stopped napping...
I used to look at weekends as a time to relax, but somewhere over the last five years, I started looking at weekends as extra time to get a long list of "To-Dos" done. I had completely over scheduled my life and by the time I realized it, I was already too deep. It's taken the better part of the last six months to try and dig out of some of the responsibilities and over committing I've done.
I have a theory about over scheduled people. They are so because they don't want down time. They don't want down time because that's when you have time to process the things that happen in your life. The only reason you don't want to process the things that happen in your life is they are just too painful. It's more than just a theory, I guess, because truly that was me. By the time I figured out I wanted to deal with everything I'd been avoiding, I couldn't find the down time to do just that. So somewhere around May, I started shedding activities.
The problem I then had was while I was busy processing long time pains and issues, 2012 was doing its worse. I'm not going to say I had a totally bad year, because there were some truly awesome things and I came a long way as a person, but while still figuring out what had happened in my past, present day unpleasantness just kept coming. I almost feel as if the more sound person I had become was being tested and I honestly can't say that I didn't feel like waving the white flag in surrender...
...so I settled down for a long winter's nap. I'm not saying I spent the whole four days in bed, it was Christmas after all; there are lights to see and dinners to be had! I did, however, take as many opportunities as I needed to be alone. I took as many opportunities as I needed to think. As many as I needed to cry.
I had a surprising burst of tears and emotion Christmas Eve. To be honest, I wanted to be done processing so badly that I kind of shut it off the night before, but I got hit unexpectedly by a situation that had been part of everything wrong over the last year, so I went off to take yet another "nap." I remember as I sat there, tears uncontrollably streaming, that I was also praying. I remember saying, "You have to show me something tonight. I need to see it." What I needed to see so badly was the hope I hadn't been feeling a whole lot of lately. I needed to see the Holy Spirit that can only be found within creation.
Going to church on Christmas Eve has always been a part of my life since I was a small child. I always found it to be a special, full of light in the world, and peace for all people gathering. As you can guess, I wasn't really feeling it this year, but it was tradition, so I got myself ready. I used to be a door greeter before I taught classes at church, and found myself back in my "old job" this particular evening. So, I bet you're thinking, wow, here is the unhappiest person in the world on Christmas Eve, and now she's working the door? I know...yeah... I was thinking that too!
There is something to be said for immersing yourself in humanity when you feel at your lowest. I had stripped it all away. I had allowed myself to feel the pain of the tremendous loss that has occurred in my life over the last seven months. In the end, I showered, got dressed, and limped spiritually into church searching for a Christmas miracle. As it turned, I would also be the only person who volunteered to work the door.
Not only did I learn how to say, "Merry Christmas" in probably an estimated seven different ways, but I received something completely priceless that night. I received "thank you" and other kindnesses from strangers. I received hugs from friends I hadn't seen in awhile as, well, I suppose we've all been stretched thin by every day life. The best thing I received though was seeing faces, sad and lacking the hope that should be shining in their eyes on a Christmas Eve night, brighten when I would ask how they were this evening or say, "Merry Christmas." It was hope. It was a small, but very significant glimmer of hope...
...Suddenly, I felt like I was shown what I asked for earlier that day.
I have been so much more at peace after that night. I'm not completely done sorting everything out, but I am on the mend. One thing for sure, and maybe this is a sort of New Year's Resolution, is that every weekend, no matter what, I'm going to try to take a "nap..."
...a long winter's nap...oh yeah...I definitely see more of those in my future for this coming year...
'Twas the night before New Years, and all through this place
No more will be processed, no more need for space.
The problems of last year are still in my sight,
But I have new hope that will get me through nights.
I understand what's needed, I'll take more time to think.
I won't carry around hurts 'til my heart starts to sink.
So me in my snuggie, and iPad in lap,
Promise to settle down for many more "naps."
While grabbing the starfish, there will be ups and downs.
I'll share them here with you, we are all "ocean" bound!
So, here are my wishes, huge smile as I write.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"
Happy Fishing!!
--Red
...That's what I did this Christmas.
After my last post, I realized I had some serious going overs and getting pasts to do. I had four full days, starting on December 22nd, to really think about an immensely hard 2012 through which I had, just like Joshua Trundle...and the mice, given up hope. The cartoon actually ends with Joshua reciting the "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" while Santa arrives because one of the mouse children fixes the clock and it plays the song and Santa is happy again. My husband Eric always loves the part when it says, "...had just settled down for a long winter's nap."
Eric just really enjoys a good nap. I started to wonder when, on the weekends, I had stopped napping...
I used to look at weekends as a time to relax, but somewhere over the last five years, I started looking at weekends as extra time to get a long list of "To-Dos" done. I had completely over scheduled my life and by the time I realized it, I was already too deep. It's taken the better part of the last six months to try and dig out of some of the responsibilities and over committing I've done.
I have a theory about over scheduled people. They are so because they don't want down time. They don't want down time because that's when you have time to process the things that happen in your life. The only reason you don't want to process the things that happen in your life is they are just too painful. It's more than just a theory, I guess, because truly that was me. By the time I figured out I wanted to deal with everything I'd been avoiding, I couldn't find the down time to do just that. So somewhere around May, I started shedding activities.
The problem I then had was while I was busy processing long time pains and issues, 2012 was doing its worse. I'm not going to say I had a totally bad year, because there were some truly awesome things and I came a long way as a person, but while still figuring out what had happened in my past, present day unpleasantness just kept coming. I almost feel as if the more sound person I had become was being tested and I honestly can't say that I didn't feel like waving the white flag in surrender...
...so I settled down for a long winter's nap. I'm not saying I spent the whole four days in bed, it was Christmas after all; there are lights to see and dinners to be had! I did, however, take as many opportunities as I needed to be alone. I took as many opportunities as I needed to think. As many as I needed to cry.
I had a surprising burst of tears and emotion Christmas Eve. To be honest, I wanted to be done processing so badly that I kind of shut it off the night before, but I got hit unexpectedly by a situation that had been part of everything wrong over the last year, so I went off to take yet another "nap." I remember as I sat there, tears uncontrollably streaming, that I was also praying. I remember saying, "You have to show me something tonight. I need to see it." What I needed to see so badly was the hope I hadn't been feeling a whole lot of lately. I needed to see the Holy Spirit that can only be found within creation.
Going to church on Christmas Eve has always been a part of my life since I was a small child. I always found it to be a special, full of light in the world, and peace for all people gathering. As you can guess, I wasn't really feeling it this year, but it was tradition, so I got myself ready. I used to be a door greeter before I taught classes at church, and found myself back in my "old job" this particular evening. So, I bet you're thinking, wow, here is the unhappiest person in the world on Christmas Eve, and now she's working the door? I know...yeah... I was thinking that too!
There is something to be said for immersing yourself in humanity when you feel at your lowest. I had stripped it all away. I had allowed myself to feel the pain of the tremendous loss that has occurred in my life over the last seven months. In the end, I showered, got dressed, and limped spiritually into church searching for a Christmas miracle. As it turned, I would also be the only person who volunteered to work the door.
Not only did I learn how to say, "Merry Christmas" in probably an estimated seven different ways, but I received something completely priceless that night. I received "thank you" and other kindnesses from strangers. I received hugs from friends I hadn't seen in awhile as, well, I suppose we've all been stretched thin by every day life. The best thing I received though was seeing faces, sad and lacking the hope that should be shining in their eyes on a Christmas Eve night, brighten when I would ask how they were this evening or say, "Merry Christmas." It was hope. It was a small, but very significant glimmer of hope...
...Suddenly, I felt like I was shown what I asked for earlier that day.
I have been so much more at peace after that night. I'm not completely done sorting everything out, but I am on the mend. One thing for sure, and maybe this is a sort of New Year's Resolution, is that every weekend, no matter what, I'm going to try to take a "nap..."
...a long winter's nap...oh yeah...I definitely see more of those in my future for this coming year...
'Twas the night before New Years, and all through this place
No more will be processed, no more need for space.
The problems of last year are still in my sight,
But I have new hope that will get me through nights.
I understand what's needed, I'll take more time to think.
I won't carry around hurts 'til my heart starts to sink.
So me in my snuggie, and iPad in lap,
Promise to settle down for many more "naps."
While grabbing the starfish, there will be ups and downs.
I'll share them here with you, we are all "ocean" bound!
So, here are my wishes, huge smile as I write.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"
Happy Fishing!!
--Red
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
"Starfish" Episode IV - A New Hope
I haven't written in my blog of well over a month now. There is very good reason for that. There really hasn't been anything to talk about. Nothing inspirational, no significant events I've participated in, just trying to get through the day-to-day. To be honest though, I haven't really wanted to talk much. A few posts ago I talked about being really crabby lately, and thought that maybe I had found my way out of that....Nope....I think this overwhelming feeling of defeat and irritation has actually been going on now since before that post and that's long time to not feel...I guess...hopeful.
It's funny, but I just noticed that "hope" is one of my blog's keywords. When I look through my posts to see when I used it, I had only done so once in a post about recovering from my dog Dali's passing. Since then we also lost our cat, Girlee, the company I worked for was acquired and I lost co-workers that I talked about what went on in their lives every day, and a friend I've known since junior high school also passed. That's a lot to process in the span of six months. I'm not surprised that's the only time the word "hope" made it into my blog labels. With event after disheartening event, it's no wonder that my propensity for feeling that things will turn out for the best has been extinguished. It's almost like I don't want to be happy because something is just going to come along and take the wind right out of those sails. Have I simply, for the time being, run out of "hope"?
Have you ever felt like this? I'm a person of faith. It's Christmas. I should feel hopeful this time of year. Again...Nope. Nothing there...and that's really extremely unusual for me. This is my favorite time of year and I'm really starting to think something is very wrong with the way I'm feeling...
..."Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope..."
Remember that? I don't know if there is a person on the planet, or at least in the United States, who hasn't seen the movie Star Wars... So, how crazy is it to have the hope that you can defeat the Death Star just by inserting it's blueprints into a small droid that could end up anywhere? That taking down said "Star" is as simple as "bullseyeing womp rats" back on your home planet? I'm sure there were moments of doubt in the trash compactor, but they still tried... Was this the "new hope" referenced in the title of the movie?
I absolutely hate "dog lost" posters. I know alot about dogs, and I know they hate change and can get really, really firghtened when out of their element. Facebook has made all of this worse of course with people actually posting photo's of their lost dogs. I absolutely can't stand it. It's really hard for me to look at.
Yesterday one of the local animal shelters posted a picture of an Australian Cattle Dog that had been picked up. They just knew this dog had to have a family. Why? She was 14 years old, deaf, nearly blind, and well, she wasn't skinny in the least. They wanted a "Christmas miracle" to find this dog's family. They wanted a "hope," so they posted her photo.
As much as seeing the photo made me upset, first being that this poor darling, who had first been wandering the streets, but now in her very old and deteriorated state, was in a shelter, I shared it. A few hours later, the word came in. Because of people sharing the photo, the owners had been found and the dog, now known to all following the story as "Daisy," would soon be home. The "Christmas miracle" indeed happened...
...just a little hope that indeed sprung eternal...and I, and many others, bought into the "new hope" for a little lost Blue Heeler girl. It just had to work out. She just had to go home.
I don't know what I need right now. I don't know if it's more healing time than I've taken or I just need a good kick in the ass to realize things just aren't so bad. Maybe it's both. I do know that a dog named Daisy helped me experience a little hope for the time being...
.....and it was easier than bullseyeing womp rats....
Happy Fishing!
--Red
It's funny, but I just noticed that "hope" is one of my blog's keywords. When I look through my posts to see when I used it, I had only done so once in a post about recovering from my dog Dali's passing. Since then we also lost our cat, Girlee, the company I worked for was acquired and I lost co-workers that I talked about what went on in their lives every day, and a friend I've known since junior high school also passed. That's a lot to process in the span of six months. I'm not surprised that's the only time the word "hope" made it into my blog labels. With event after disheartening event, it's no wonder that my propensity for feeling that things will turn out for the best has been extinguished. It's almost like I don't want to be happy because something is just going to come along and take the wind right out of those sails. Have I simply, for the time being, run out of "hope"?
Have you ever felt like this? I'm a person of faith. It's Christmas. I should feel hopeful this time of year. Again...Nope. Nothing there...and that's really extremely unusual for me. This is my favorite time of year and I'm really starting to think something is very wrong with the way I'm feeling...
..."Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope..."
Remember that? I don't know if there is a person on the planet, or at least in the United States, who hasn't seen the movie Star Wars... So, how crazy is it to have the hope that you can defeat the Death Star just by inserting it's blueprints into a small droid that could end up anywhere? That taking down said "Star" is as simple as "bullseyeing womp rats" back on your home planet? I'm sure there were moments of doubt in the trash compactor, but they still tried... Was this the "new hope" referenced in the title of the movie?
I absolutely hate "dog lost" posters. I know alot about dogs, and I know they hate change and can get really, really firghtened when out of their element. Facebook has made all of this worse of course with people actually posting photo's of their lost dogs. I absolutely can't stand it. It's really hard for me to look at.
Yesterday one of the local animal shelters posted a picture of an Australian Cattle Dog that had been picked up. They just knew this dog had to have a family. Why? She was 14 years old, deaf, nearly blind, and well, she wasn't skinny in the least. They wanted a "Christmas miracle" to find this dog's family. They wanted a "hope," so they posted her photo.
As much as seeing the photo made me upset, first being that this poor darling, who had first been wandering the streets, but now in her very old and deteriorated state, was in a shelter, I shared it. A few hours later, the word came in. Because of people sharing the photo, the owners had been found and the dog, now known to all following the story as "Daisy," would soon be home. The "Christmas miracle" indeed happened...
...just a little hope that indeed sprung eternal...and I, and many others, bought into the "new hope" for a little lost Blue Heeler girl. It just had to work out. She just had to go home.
I don't know what I need right now. I don't know if it's more healing time than I've taken or I just need a good kick in the ass to realize things just aren't so bad. Maybe it's both. I do know that a dog named Daisy helped me experience a little hope for the time being...
.....and it was easier than bullseyeing womp rats....
Happy Fishing!
--Red
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Home Is Where the Heart Is
A lot has been going on since I claimed that the "starfish" has been "grabbed." First of all, I went into two weeks of probably one of the most stressful times I've ever had at my day job. My company has been acquired and we are in the middle of a software conversion so all of our information can be shared. I won't bore you with the details, but anyone who has ever done that knows how the process can make you extremely irritable. With this acquisition is coming a change of position for me from Accounting to Sales essentially. I know I had said that I hadn't been over the top happy about being an Accountant all these years, and that I decided that a day job didn't define me, but I feel pretty weird. I mean, I've been doing it for nineteen years, I should feel a bit odd about it. Excited, nervous, worried at the same time, but definitely weird and that's not helping the stress level.
While this was going on in the place where, let's face it, we all spend most of our time, I became somewhat hostage to my "extracurricular" schedule. I organized a can food drive for the local serving center that was coming to an end. Food had to be gone through and itemized and we had to somehow find time to actually get it to the serving center. This same week church council and the Wednesday evening study I teach fell in the same week and I couldn't not attend either one of them. We have this week off from the study because of Halloween, so we couldn't have two weeks off in a row and while I can usually I can get out of council if I need, I had signed up as minute taker for this month way back in January...
...Whoops...
I'm going to estimate that there was one point during the last few weeks where I don't think I saw my dog, Kobi, for three days. He was awfully clingy this past weekend because of it. Sometimes if I'm not there, he doesn't eat. He's kind of sensitive as dogs go.
So, on top of work, church, dog, and I do have a husband somewhere in there, there was something else to add to the schedule. Halloween. More precisely a show the Saturday before Halloween in which I was singing a few songs with a local band called The Nevermind Project. They do covers of alt-rock song's from the 90's like Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Sponge, etc. I think, Ben, the drummer, and I had talked about me performing in the show way back in August and I was so excited at the premise of being back on stage again. I won't lie though; it was just a bad week for there to be a practice in the middle of everything else. However, like with the rest of my schedule, I made no complaints and made it happen. I was late, but I went...
...And it was the most "normal" I had felt in a long time! When I started this blog I would say I was a proverbial "fish out of water..." I guess make that a "starfish" out of water, but I was probably pretty lost career wise and personally as well. The one thing I've learned over this last year and a half is the reason I didn't know which way was up about anything is because I was denying and not dealing with who I was at my very core being. When you don't understand who you are, it'll mess you up pretty good for sure. I'm not saying I'm going to go out, quit my day job, and tour around the country, not that that doesn't sound fabulous, but what I am saying is you still have to nurture in some way those things that are very key to who you are in some way.
That's what I did during the Saturday night performance. What I didn't expect out of that experience are a few things far greater than just a simple indulgence of a permanent place in my soul.
First, There was this wonderful variety of people who would also be performing in the show on Saturday. I should have mentioned previously that I wasn't the only one brought into the "Project." I have really been preoccupied with the relational aspect of life these days and feel it's so very necessary in life to connect with those around us. I try to actively engage in conversations with and really listen to others' perspectives on and about what they've been through in life. Make this life not all about you, you know? So, I really liked meeting all these people, finding out what bands they have been in, and how they knew members of The Nevermind Project. I felt so at ease that all of the pressures from that week seemed to melt away momentarily. I so enjoyed watching everyone show off their particular talent whether it be singing, drumming, or playing guitar or bass. All of us brought here to, well, put on a tremendous show for those willing to pay admission! I was actually sad when I realized I needed to get going because I had to work in the morning. Everyone was so great and wonderfully inviting.
The other thing is it had been nine and a half years since I had been on a stage with a band. During the run of the last band, I don't even know, even though I was singing, writing, and performing, that I was completely comfortable in my own skin. I would get so nervous before shows that I could drink a six pack of beer and not feel a thing because of all of the adrenaline running through my body. I would sometimes have panic attacks before shows. I was really worried that would happen this time...and you know what? Nothing happened. No extreme nerves. No need to pound alcohol. That alone was remarkable. What I realized later is, because of some of the things I have experienced while trying to "grab the starfish" it stopped being all about me. I wasn't focused on "will everyone like me" or "will everyone think my voice sucks" or anything like that. I got on that stage, a switch just "flipped" inside me, and I did my thing. I didn't care what anyone thought and it was quite liberating. I probably did a better job because of it. I'll be honest; it felt amazing. I'm not saying I didn't care about whether I did a good job for the band or the crowd or anything like that. I did have a little bit of "good nerves" right before I went on, but I was no longer so self-conscious. I don't need to be. I never needed to be. My true self always was and always has been good enough.
My friend Jennifer texted me the next day and said, "you were so at home up there..."
...she was right. For the first time, I knew what "home" felt like. I don't think I can stress the importance when grabbing your own starfish, of knowing, deep down, where your "home" is. When you know that, you will always give the best performance of and in your life.
I still have many weeks to go before the crazy schedules are over. I just participated in a wedding, the church study picks back up again, there is another donation drive to get ready for, and the work issues are still numerous. It doesn't seem like I've learned my lesson about saying "no," but I think this universe colliding busyness in conjunction with really feeling where I belong heart and soul is bringing some issues with my schedule to light. It may not be until Thanksgiving that I finally slow down, but I had that one night of "home" and I know I will go there again soon...
.....Don't worry though, Kobi; Momma will be physically home more often than she was that week!
Happy Fishing!
--Red
PS - For anyone curious, here I am with The Nevermind Project, featuring another guest for the evening, Cricket, on bass! Remember it was Halloween...I lost my Hello Kitty head and paws for the second song!
While this was going on in the place where, let's face it, we all spend most of our time, I became somewhat hostage to my "extracurricular" schedule. I organized a can food drive for the local serving center that was coming to an end. Food had to be gone through and itemized and we had to somehow find time to actually get it to the serving center. This same week church council and the Wednesday evening study I teach fell in the same week and I couldn't not attend either one of them. We have this week off from the study because of Halloween, so we couldn't have two weeks off in a row and while I can usually I can get out of council if I need, I had signed up as minute taker for this month way back in January...
...Whoops...
I'm going to estimate that there was one point during the last few weeks where I don't think I saw my dog, Kobi, for three days. He was awfully clingy this past weekend because of it. Sometimes if I'm not there, he doesn't eat. He's kind of sensitive as dogs go.
So, on top of work, church, dog, and I do have a husband somewhere in there, there was something else to add to the schedule. Halloween. More precisely a show the Saturday before Halloween in which I was singing a few songs with a local band called The Nevermind Project. They do covers of alt-rock song's from the 90's like Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Sponge, etc. I think, Ben, the drummer, and I had talked about me performing in the show way back in August and I was so excited at the premise of being back on stage again. I won't lie though; it was just a bad week for there to be a practice in the middle of everything else. However, like with the rest of my schedule, I made no complaints and made it happen. I was late, but I went...
...And it was the most "normal" I had felt in a long time! When I started this blog I would say I was a proverbial "fish out of water..." I guess make that a "starfish" out of water, but I was probably pretty lost career wise and personally as well. The one thing I've learned over this last year and a half is the reason I didn't know which way was up about anything is because I was denying and not dealing with who I was at my very core being. When you don't understand who you are, it'll mess you up pretty good for sure. I'm not saying I'm going to go out, quit my day job, and tour around the country, not that that doesn't sound fabulous, but what I am saying is you still have to nurture in some way those things that are very key to who you are in some way.
That's what I did during the Saturday night performance. What I didn't expect out of that experience are a few things far greater than just a simple indulgence of a permanent place in my soul.
First, There was this wonderful variety of people who would also be performing in the show on Saturday. I should have mentioned previously that I wasn't the only one brought into the "Project." I have really been preoccupied with the relational aspect of life these days and feel it's so very necessary in life to connect with those around us. I try to actively engage in conversations with and really listen to others' perspectives on and about what they've been through in life. Make this life not all about you, you know? So, I really liked meeting all these people, finding out what bands they have been in, and how they knew members of The Nevermind Project. I felt so at ease that all of the pressures from that week seemed to melt away momentarily. I so enjoyed watching everyone show off their particular talent whether it be singing, drumming, or playing guitar or bass. All of us brought here to, well, put on a tremendous show for those willing to pay admission! I was actually sad when I realized I needed to get going because I had to work in the morning. Everyone was so great and wonderfully inviting.
The other thing is it had been nine and a half years since I had been on a stage with a band. During the run of the last band, I don't even know, even though I was singing, writing, and performing, that I was completely comfortable in my own skin. I would get so nervous before shows that I could drink a six pack of beer and not feel a thing because of all of the adrenaline running through my body. I would sometimes have panic attacks before shows. I was really worried that would happen this time...and you know what? Nothing happened. No extreme nerves. No need to pound alcohol. That alone was remarkable. What I realized later is, because of some of the things I have experienced while trying to "grab the starfish" it stopped being all about me. I wasn't focused on "will everyone like me" or "will everyone think my voice sucks" or anything like that. I got on that stage, a switch just "flipped" inside me, and I did my thing. I didn't care what anyone thought and it was quite liberating. I probably did a better job because of it. I'll be honest; it felt amazing. I'm not saying I didn't care about whether I did a good job for the band or the crowd or anything like that. I did have a little bit of "good nerves" right before I went on, but I was no longer so self-conscious. I don't need to be. I never needed to be. My true self always was and always has been good enough.
My friend Jennifer texted me the next day and said, "you were so at home up there..."
...she was right. For the first time, I knew what "home" felt like. I don't think I can stress the importance when grabbing your own starfish, of knowing, deep down, where your "home" is. When you know that, you will always give the best performance of and in your life.
I still have many weeks to go before the crazy schedules are over. I just participated in a wedding, the church study picks back up again, there is another donation drive to get ready for, and the work issues are still numerous. It doesn't seem like I've learned my lesson about saying "no," but I think this universe colliding busyness in conjunction with really feeling where I belong heart and soul is bringing some issues with my schedule to light. It may not be until Thanksgiving that I finally slow down, but I had that one night of "home" and I know I will go there again soon...
.....Don't worry though, Kobi; Momma will be physically home more often than she was that week!
Happy Fishing!
--Red
PS - For anyone curious, here I am with The Nevermind Project, featuring another guest for the evening, Cricket, on bass! Remember it was Halloween...I lost my Hello Kitty head and paws for the second song!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
No Diving in the Shallow End
I have been very grumpy lately. I'll own that I potentially haven't been a great joy to be around. I can admit it. The funny thing about it is, at this time, I'm probably the most clear about what I want to do with my life. So, the moodiness would almost seem unwarranted. However, I am absolutely, over the top and severely restless and that's what makes me so dejected. I feel like here I am, on my "beach", but I'm just kind of standing in the ebb and flow of the tide on the shore. Like I'm not being allowed to get in the water completely, but I'm getting that little taste of the warm, summer ocean as it flows over my feet in small intervals and its all very frustrating.
Remember when you were a kid and all you wanted to do was dive into the shallow end of the pool...
Well I guess you didn't really want to specifically dive into the shallow end, you just wanted to dive in anywhere. But the sign above...and a lifeguard...and probably your Mom just wouldn't let you dive on just anywhere. Even if you did it once, you got a good tongue lashing for it, which included why you shouldn't have done it. All you heard was , " Blah, blah, blah...hit your head...blah, blah, blah...concussion..." What your Mom didn't tell you was the deep end was better! The deep end of the pool is magic when you finally realize you can swim there without drowning. It the land of big splashes from jackknives and cannonballs. It's the territory of somersaults and back flips. It's where you can gracefully show off all of your swimming skills because there is room to do so. But, no, you were cautioned about ever diving in because you might be hurt.
Is that why I'm sitting on the shore? Am I still afraid of potential "sharks" ? Do I have that parental voice in my head just saying no, but not telling me the joy of jumping in properly?...
...Wait...Is there a way to jump in properly?....
I had lunch last week with a co-worker. This guy is amazing. He has participated in so many programs and exercises in "starfishing" that I could sit and listen to him for hours. I think he could sense my agitation, which I had hinted at here and there during the conversation. He looked right at me after some kind of exposition on an experience I can't honestly remember right now and said, "Whatever you want, you have to call it into your life."
Whoa. Is that all I need to start swimming? I can't believe it's that easy... After a year and almost half now of examining every part of my past, personality, and persuasions, I'm going to dive in and call it into my life...
First and foremost I am a writer. I've been doing some form of writing since I was 9 years old. I could've just stopped there, but I had to identify what I wanted to do with that particular talent and what was holding me back from doing it. I want to write books. I want to do speaking engagements. I want to help others find their "starfish". I still want to write music and even know, after taking a musical inventory, what that will look like now when I do, but at the forefront is the books. Yes, I still have a day job, but have been pulling away from Accounting and realizing that what I may do temporarily for a living ultimately does not define who I am. I've spent this whole time defining me; Accountant was a tiny part of it. Now it's all up to how well I move past obstacles that keep me on the shore and how well I swim out into the deep water.
A dear friend of mine posted this little nugget of wisdom on Facebook last week: “As a rock star, I have two instincts, I want to have fun, and I want to change the world. I have a chance to do both.” - Bono...
Forget being Batman...I'm going to be Bono!
I am off on an awesome journey! While I'll need to remember...
......this is what I must really remember above anything else...
Starfish GRABBED!
Here is always wishing you a fruitful fishing expedition! Now go out there and find your starfish!
--Red
P.S. - Just because I grabbed the starfish doesn't mean the blog is over by any means. There will be ups and downs along the way. I share them here so you can take what you wish from the experience whether it's inspiration, knowledge, or even a sense of "oh my gosh, I'm not doing that!" What ever you get from my blog, we'll go through the process together. Remember we are individuals of the collective...that's my story...and I'm sticking to it!
Remember when you were a kid and all you wanted to do was dive into the shallow end of the pool...
Well I guess you didn't really want to specifically dive into the shallow end, you just wanted to dive in anywhere. But the sign above...and a lifeguard...and probably your Mom just wouldn't let you dive on just anywhere. Even if you did it once, you got a good tongue lashing for it, which included why you shouldn't have done it. All you heard was , " Blah, blah, blah...hit your head...blah, blah, blah...concussion..." What your Mom didn't tell you was the deep end was better! The deep end of the pool is magic when you finally realize you can swim there without drowning. It the land of big splashes from jackknives and cannonballs. It's the territory of somersaults and back flips. It's where you can gracefully show off all of your swimming skills because there is room to do so. But, no, you were cautioned about ever diving in because you might be hurt.
Is that why I'm sitting on the shore? Am I still afraid of potential "sharks" ? Do I have that parental voice in my head just saying no, but not telling me the joy of jumping in properly?...
...Wait...Is there a way to jump in properly?....
I had lunch last week with a co-worker. This guy is amazing. He has participated in so many programs and exercises in "starfishing" that I could sit and listen to him for hours. I think he could sense my agitation, which I had hinted at here and there during the conversation. He looked right at me after some kind of exposition on an experience I can't honestly remember right now and said, "Whatever you want, you have to call it into your life."
Whoa. Is that all I need to start swimming? I can't believe it's that easy... After a year and almost half now of examining every part of my past, personality, and persuasions, I'm going to dive in and call it into my life...
First and foremost I am a writer. I've been doing some form of writing since I was 9 years old. I could've just stopped there, but I had to identify what I wanted to do with that particular talent and what was holding me back from doing it. I want to write books. I want to do speaking engagements. I want to help others find their "starfish". I still want to write music and even know, after taking a musical inventory, what that will look like now when I do, but at the forefront is the books. Yes, I still have a day job, but have been pulling away from Accounting and realizing that what I may do temporarily for a living ultimately does not define who I am. I've spent this whole time defining me; Accountant was a tiny part of it. Now it's all up to how well I move past obstacles that keep me on the shore and how well I swim out into the deep water.
A dear friend of mine posted this little nugget of wisdom on Facebook last week: “As a rock star, I have two instincts, I want to have fun, and I want to change the world. I have a chance to do both.” - Bono...
Forget being Batman...I'm going to be Bono!
I am off on an awesome journey! While I'll need to remember...
......this is what I must really remember above anything else...
Starfish GRABBED!
Here is always wishing you a fruitful fishing expedition! Now go out there and find your starfish!
--Red
P.S. - Just because I grabbed the starfish doesn't mean the blog is over by any means. There will be ups and downs along the way. I share them here so you can take what you wish from the experience whether it's inspiration, knowledge, or even a sense of "oh my gosh, I'm not doing that!" What ever you get from my blog, we'll go through the process together. Remember we are individuals of the collective...that's my story...and I'm sticking to it!
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