The Monkey Cage

     "Look, Dana, it's like this:  If a monkey dies at the zoo, the zoo doesn't shut down.  They get another monkey..."


    My friend, Ben, saying this looked earnestly at me over the table where we and our spouses were having dinner. His extremely patient wife, Lisa, rolled her eyes as the conversation had turned once again to band issues.  See, Ben, at any given time, may be in any where from 2 to 4 bands and has extensive experience when dealing with issues that arise from the dynamic of putting three or more possibly dysfunctional people in a room together. (Note to my friends in bands:  Don't you fight that last statement.  There is a reason we are musicians...c'mon now...)


     What Ben was trying to say to me, and what he would say later in no uncertain terms, was "You have options."  I thought he was just talking about replacement monkeys to keep the zoo exhibit open, but I found it was ultimately something more than that...


     I mentioned in my last post that this last year had not been easy.  Not only had my band Stonekracker been "out of the game" essentially for well over a decade, but repairing the prior emotional battery that had taken place leading to our ultimate demise, would take it's toll on me several times throughout the year even after this conversation.


     My response to this ultimate wisdom from Ben regarding monkeys and their keepers? "But I just got them back..."


     This is pivotal and may be where I started losing sight of dream and purpose. I wanted so badly to keep them all; to have this second chance that I just started putting away parts of myself piece by piece in order to never loose any of them ever again from my life.


   To be fair, this actually was a time where other pieces of myself started coming to life.  My lyric writing had become more vulnerable and I started playing guitar. I think that's how I was dealing with what was happening to me internally. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it made for great music, but what was causing it wasn't necessarily healthy. I oftentimes kept hidden what I would feel about certain situations that would arise within the band.  I would feel paralyzed to say something when I didn't like what was going on or disagreed with something.  In an effort not to come off as the control freak I had been years earlier, I went completely the other direction and just would smile like I meant it, no matter what was going on..  I didn't want to be the person I was, but am really having trouble being the person I am.  So, while I may have been churning out the greatest lyrics and music I had ever written, it was slowly killing me and my desires to even have a dream or live out any prior notions of purpose.

     The reason I struggle so hard is this:  I love these guys.  I'm finding out that may be unusual for a band dynamic these days.  I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or how long we've known each other, but I love them.  Sometimes that makes figuring out how to handle confrontation difficult because you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that something you say might hurt that person you love and you so don't want it to...

    ...but sometimes you just might not have that choice...because you are the monkey dying at the zoo...


     I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past and at the same time, this should be fun.  At this stage in life that's all it should be and that's for everyone.  I just want that option to be happy and have that help take that dream of mine where I want it to go...
 
     ...oh...wait a minute...

    Having options doesn't mean you throw the baby, or the "monkey" out with the bath water, but what it does mean is you can't compromise your own happiness for the happiness of others.  Doing that will ultimately kill your dream.  It won't be fun anymore no matter how great the process seems to be going.  You have to communicate your needs if working with others, because let's face it; it's not about them, it's about you. You just have to hope you and your monkeys are on the same page.  If a monkey isn't happy with the conditions at the zoo, and they have to be transferred, it is and ultimately will be okay. That goes for all of you. This is because you know what does and what doesn't make you happy, and there is no more secure position than that. This is because for the first time you realize you are not trying to be a control freak in voicing opinions, but that you want happiness for all of the primates involved precisely because you love them...

     ...You have "options"...


Happy Fishing!

--Red


P.S - This week Ben put this on my Facebook page wall.  Maybe not totally related...but maybe so!  Thank you Ben for all of your time...I'll expect the bill in the mail!

The Donut Hole

     I live near the famous, or infamous, Lone Star Bakery, known world wide for their "Round Rock Donut."  Have you seen the "Texas Sized" one? No? For your reference...

     Big, huh? So big they show you a regular sized donut for comparison.  It's the only way I can describe the way I've felt about Christmastime for the past 12 years or so.  Something was missing.  It was like there was a "Texas Sized Round Rock Donut" hole in my life that no matter how I tried I couldn't fill...

    ...until this past Christmas.

    Part of my "grabbing the starfish" and living out my purpose in this life has been reuniting with my band, StoneKracker, which has really been amazing on so many levels. However, I got a very unexpected lesson from this recent development a few weeks ago.

     See, "back in the day," December was always CD release party time.  Even if it wasn't, we'd still have some special show to prepare for. So when my friend, Ben, asked us to play a benefit show this past December,  "yes" came flying out of my mouth pretty quickly.  I'm glad the other members readily agreed or that would have been awkward...

     Eric and I were driving to the gig, looking at Christmas lights that adorned the houses along the way, when I realized this overwhelming sense of "everything is right with the world." Everything seemed completely as it should be....

    ...The "Texas Sized Round Rock Donut" hole had suddenly become a jelly filled donut...or  creme filled...mmmmmm...okay, anyway, it was filled. No hole. I didn't feel that "thing" that had been nagging at me every Christmas season for years.

     When I became a dog trainer I would hold an event at Christmas. Cookies for the dogs, pictures with Santa, etc. it sufficed, but I would still have this feeling in the back of my mind that all wasn't quite right. I always felt like I was going through the motions of something else I was supposed to be doing. Then I was a Sunday School teacher.  I threw myself into church functions at Christmas.  That empty feeling only surprisingly got bigger!  Yet, I really shouldn't have been surprised.  My spiritual type is "crusader."  What this means essentially is that, long explanation short, I was never meant to sit quietly in a pew.  Unfortunately, this also means that I lay down the life of Eric's spiritual type with no qualms.  So, he can't sit quietly in the pew either, but anyway, even though I thought I was doing something by going to all the events and concerts, it was all passive participation and nothing that would ultimately fill the donut hole.

     When I think about it, what I feel was happening is that I was once again in use of my gifts and exercising my purpose in this life. When I'm not, I can feel the direct conflict with my soul.  When we are in direct conflict with our souls, we feel that something just isn't right and that's what defines what our "starfish" is for us.  What could you do for hours and not recognize the time has gone by? What gives you sense of happiness while you are doing it like nothing else.  What fills the Texas sized donut hole in your heart...

     ...mmmmmm...donuts...

     While your pondering all this, here is a picture of the "Flying Pig" from Gordough's, another donut place in town.  It has bacon... 

     ...mmmmmm.....bacon...now there's a "gift"!  

     Do what fills the donut hole in your soul...or maybe even fills your stomach...I think I'm hungry...


Happy Fishing!

--Red

The Better or Bitter Battle

 

      Eric was playing The Memory Card game with his Mom, niece and nephew.  Eric is an old pro at this, from what I understand, but when he matched two cards, I watched him pick them up, show them to his niece and say, "In your face!"  Although this was all in fun, and trust me, she gave it right back to him, I told Eric that maybe it's best not to "in your face" a seven year old.  Of course, this was a lot of talk from me...I wasn't even playing.

     I 've always had a problem with competition.  If I think about it, as children my brother and I were constantly pitted against each other. If one of us did something better or more desirable than the other one, we heard about it. You had to strive to be nothing less than number 1, or perfect, in my house. This is probably why I can't handle competition generally.  I go into "kill" mode too easily, get super bitter if I don't win, and extremely arrogant if I do.   

     My friend's band recently had their new CD release party,  I've been going to their shows for a year now, and honestly, they are truly awesome talents.  One of the guys in the band I've known around the music scene for nearly twenty years. His previous band got signed, played on huge festivals and tours, and did a lot of cool things that most people really don't get too.  StoneKracker, my band, did a lot of cool things too, but not as many as this guy's band did.  While I am more than okay with that now, and feel so blessed for what we did do, I can assure you that wasn't always the case.

     The music scene here while StoneKracker had it's run was extremely competitive.  People fought over gigs, slots on those gigs, and generally tried to cut other bands down with gossip, etc.  Eric and I tried to stay out of it as much as possible, but still found ourselves immersed in it from time to time.  It's really hard to better yourself or your craft in that kind of environment.  I can't say I've missed that all these years, and have honeslty been thankful for the time away.

 

     I also can't say I didn't carry that into all of the other things I did like dog training or my day job.  I tried not to, I really did, but competition would rear it's ugly head.  So, I literally stopped participating.  I left the music scene, quit dog training, and work in small offices where I am the only one who does what I do.  I definitely don't play board or card games of any kind.

 

     Something miraculous happened though in my time away.  As much as I unburdened myself from having to compete, it opened up the time for examination in my life to understand why I would react the way I did when I did.  I've dealt with a lot of negative feelings and their roots over the past years and realized one key thing: if I don't feel good about myself, I'm not going to feel good about any body else, or their accomplishments, either.  That's it really, isn't it?  Someone who is angry all of the time for what ever reason, is not going to have the warm fuzzies for anyone, right?  So why, when you see someone who has more than you, is doing something perceived as better than you are, or getting all the breaks, wouldn't you get bitter?

 

     The problem is just being bitter isn't going to solve anything.  It isn't going to actually make you work harder to beat that person at their own game.  You are going to spend so much time talking about that person and what you're going to do, that many times you don't do it at all.  You just get stagnant in shallowness and resentment.  I think I point this out before, but it's easier to throw stones at someone who has put themselves out there than go out and accomplish something for yourself.  If you are always trying to beat another person at their accomplishments, the only person you end up beating is yourself.

 

      At that CD release party I noticed the change that years of looking into what makes me tick has brought.  Instead of being jealous that someone else was up there accomplishing, I felt excited and inspired to do my own thing.  It was a pleasant and most welcome surprise.  I am no longer going to sit on those sidelines and complain.  I'm going to actually do something.  Maybe I'll be better than the next guy; maybe I won't...I will be all me...a better me...consistently.

 

     Found this the other day on Facebook:

 

 
      That about sums it up. I have freed myself of that old way of running the race...

      ...Oh...about The Memory Card game I didn't play...those kids freaking tire me out! "Uncle" Eric can play with them...he has the stamina!



Happy Fishing!



--Red

 

 

  

The Toxic Avenger

     One of my friends posted this on Facebook the other day...

     Good, huh?  Certainly going to use this phrase the next time anyone tries to bring their "drama" my way  I'm not only trying to take a slower approach to life, but an over-the-top-personal-incident free one as well....

      ....That reminds me...I talked a little about it my last post about how to make social media a nicer place, but what I didn't fully address was what to do about "toxic" people in your life. I'm not talking about people who seem to always have a bad day and always end up in unfortunate circumstances who want to tell you all about it looking for sympathy.  I'm talking about the person who always tries to belittle you to the point where they become your unfortunate circumstance. They disrespect you, your feelings, and are undeniably trying to cause you pain.

     Now, I've been blessed to not have a whole lot of crazy in my life since, first, I got married, and second, I quite the entertainment scene for awhile, but there have been a few "hangers on" from my past that, well, never got the message that I'm just not in that place anymore.  One was family, one was a long time friend, both in my estimation are extremely troubled individuals.  However, I realized I had to look deep down at myself to ask why I have allowed anyone in my life to have any kind of derogatory hold over it.  Perhaps, I was somewhat troubled. too.

     I realized that it wasn't all the toxic person's fault.  I set bad boundaries, or really, none at all.  Or maybe if I tried set them, I didn't stick to it.  I teach a seminar on forgiveness.  It's a tough topic anyway, but the one thing that people have the hardest time with is the premise that if you forgive someone, that doesn't mean you have to have them in your life.  Sometimes, it's just not possible.  The other person hasn't reconciled that part of them that makes them want to hurt you for whatever reason.  Forgiveness is more about you than that other person.  It's so you don't carry around hate for yourself or them....

   ..."Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

     See what I mean?  It eats at you.  They don't care.  Sure, forgiveness can ideally lead to reconciliation, but only when the other person can accept and give forgiveness themselves...

     ...so until then, they gotta go.

     I actually had the privilege of some of my toxic family "defriending" me on Facebook.  I was hanging on, not "defriending" them thinking, "well, what if they truly need me," etc., and so on.  Let me tell you, I have never felt better!  I figure I would have done the "defriending" sooner or later, but they saved me the trouble.  I don't have to look at the negativity every day and I don't have to have them berate me for being about not taking sides in a family dispute.  I was literally told by one of them once to go back to my "gentle starfish blog."  What?  Wait...was that supposed to be an insult?  In their eyes, yes, but if the worst thing someone can think of to call me is "gentle," I'm doing something right with my life.

   The blog was a problem for the other person I mentioned, too; the long time friend.  I'll admit, our relationship did not start out on equal ground. I didn't have the best self-esteem at 22 years old, but, I'll be honest, unfortunately many young women don't at that age.  I was easy to take advantage of.  My bad.  That's how I was troubled.  However, this person thought that's how the dynamic of our relationship still worked when I would receive a message from them.  Usually, the messages would make fun of my beliefs or my blog. I would ask for them to be more respectful, they would for awhile, but then I would get the same kind of derogatory defamation messages.  I had grown beyond our previous relationship, set healthy boundaries, but this person just couldn't keep crossing them.  This time, I did the "defriending."

     Look, some people in this world  just aren't going to want you to succeed.  That's okay; it's their issue, not yours.  It’s much easier to sit back and criticize others' efforts than to have the wherewithal to get out there and do something themselves. You have the ability to keep them around or not, and that's up to you.  I just want you to know you now have the permission necessary to not keep them around.  It doesn't make you a bad person, friend, family member, etc.  You shouldn't allow abuses in your live as there is no self-respect in that. They may need you in the future, and that's okay, too.  If you want to feel better about not having someone in your life now, don't harden your heart to the possibilities that they may need you in the future.  Forgive not seven times, but seventy times seven. Forgive as much as it takes for you to go on with your life and do what you need to do to "grab the starfish"...

     ...but don't take any one's unbridled crap either...

That says it all doesn't?  Oh, and so does, "Not my circus; not my monkeys."

Happy Fishing!

--Red

    

Demented and Sad, but Social

Claire Standish: You know why guys like you knock everything?
John Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire Standish: It's because you're afraid.
John Bender: Oh God, you richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.
Claire Standish: You're a big coward.
Brian Johnson: I'm in the math club.
Claire Standish: See, you're afraid that they won't take you, you don't belong, so you have to just dump all over it.
John Bender: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes, now would it?
Claire Standish: Well, you wouldn't know, you don't even know any of us.
John Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers, but I'm not going to run out and join one of their f%#king clubs.
Andrew Clark: Hey. Let's watch the mouth, huh?
Brian Johnson: I'm in the physics club too.
John Bender: Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?
Brian Johnson: Well, what I had said was I'm in the math club, uh, the Latin, and the physics club... physics club.
John Bender: Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the physics club?
Claire Standish: That's an academic club.
John Bender: So?
Claire Standish: So academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
John Bender: Ah... but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Brian Johnson: Well, in physics we... we talk about physics, properties of physics.
John Bender: So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?

     Aaaaaaahhhhhh...who doesn't love the John Hughes movie, The Breakfast Club.  I think one of the most quoted lines, and they are numerous when it comes to this movie, is "demented and sad, but social."  It's been used to describe all kinds of social habits and behaviors performed by our dearest friends, but I think I've found a new way to use it...

     ...when describing Facebook...

     I only got on Facebook because my husband, Eric, was.  Truth.  It was completely a competitive move.  See, I had been of the "Blah!  I don't need to be on that Facebook thing. That's just for trendy people" mentality when Eric said quietly, "Um...I'm on it..."  What?  I was the forward thinking, fashionable one in the family.  You did something technological before I did? Excuse me?

     ...and then I signed up for an account.  That was August of 2009.

     When I got over my pretentiousness, I really enjoyed it at first.  I honestly loved connecting with old friends, seeing their picture of themselves and their kids, and seeing the cool places they go.  These are the things I still love.  When I see a friend's child, I remember what they were like as a kid, or see how much they look like their Mom or Dad.  I have learned about some fabulous cities and restaurants from my friends' journeys.  I have even been able to join them in their greatest happiness and worst sorrows no matter how far away they are....

     ...somewhere along the way though, I think Facebook became a self-conceited monster.

     If you have seen the movie The Social Network, you know that Facebook started out as a sight just to post profiles of Harvard students where they could post pictures of what they were doing and talk about life on campus.  Somewhere, as Facebook has now grown, its become less social and more "demented and sad."  I know I have admittedly let my mood and my esteem be effected by things I've seen on the site.  While I know that its ultimately my responsibility how I react to things, and have gotten past my own personal issues with my interactions, I have found I'm not alone.

      What I've realized is there has been a phenomenon created with social media where we are much "braver" than we would be with our opinions than we would be if our friends were standing right there.  People have also become more prone to taking and posting pictures of what we are having for meals, but I digress...

      In the process of embracing this "brave new world" we are alienating our friends. We say things when a friend express a possible hurt like "It's my wall; I'll post what I want!" Sure. It is. I guess.  It actually belongs to Facebook, but whatever.  My point is, if that person were standing right in front of you, would that come out of your mouth?  If it would, would it come out with such a disregard for the person standing there, or would you try to express your opinion in a less hostile manner?  My bets are you would.  Likewise, if that someone, standing right in front of you, pointed out to you that the information you were sharing was actually false, as is done many times with shared stories and/or pictures and snopes.com checking on Facebook, would you still launch into the tirade of "it's my wall" or would you sheepishly apologize and thank them for letting you know?  Again, I think the latter would happen.

     As equally as damaging is the friend who says, "my real friends would know I was joking," when a friend conveys they were hurt, offended, etc, by something they said.   A longtime friend, and someone I am happy to have connected again with, DJ, recently said, "Text is only 7% of a message - without voice inflection, body language and facial expressions, ideas are often unclear."  If I had a friend that said, "my real friends would know I was joking" and didn't look at their actions, or even apologize for upsetting me, I'll be honest in saying that I'd have to rethink why we are friends.  Unfortunately, Facebook has brought out sides of our friends that had been hidden...

    ...maybe that's not such a bad thing...but I digress again...

    A side note about apologies.  They don't indicate who was right or who was wrong. They only indicate someone really cares about the thoughts and feelings of another human being.  Maybe should the other person not have been so offended? Yeah. Sure. Maybe.  However, you still hurt them.  If you are truly their friend, you'll own that. You'll also own that with no excuses for your behavior.

     Something else, something I've been particularly guilty of, is letting Facebook being your only interaction with your friends.  I'm busy.  I like that with Facebook I can take a quick peak and see what's going on in my friends' lives.  This shouldn't take the complete place of real interaction with human beings though.  You can "like" something, and I suggest that you do that to show you are at least paying attention instead of the "look at me" show I see more and more of (which is a whole other matter entirely), but if this person has been a close friend for years, carve out some time for them.  I've really been trying to do more of that.  Ask yourself, "Do I really absolutely need to work through lunch, or is that an excuse to not make an effort?"  My friend, Mary, recently posted, "Just a reminder to everyone out there. Facebook is a tool. It's not something we should use to determine or define friendships. How you interact with those folks on a daily basis in person or in direct communication are the only things that matter. So get out there and let someone know you care OUTSIDE of facebook!"  Have you been out to dinner and seen like a whole family on their phones "Facebook-ing" through the entire meal?  It's sad to me.  We need human interaction.  Sure; do we need downtime away from others?  Do we need to occasionally work through lunches?  Yes. Yes, we do.  It's not a constant though, and if it is, it's time to look at what's important in your life.  When you do meet with your friends, be present!  It's okay to "check-in" but then put the phone away and have real conversation. It doesn't hurt. I promise.

     In the interest of not digressing yet again, I stopped myself in the paragraph above when I started talking about the "look at me" show.  If you only get on Facebook to post about yourself, and never see, "like," or comment on what your friends are doing, well, just know it doesn't go unnoticed.  I may not be able to tell you all of the people who I interact with on a daily basis, but I can tell you who was missing if not taking part in my joy or in my concern (To be clear, we are talking real concern here.  We are not talking about, "Oh poor sad me" posts to get attention.).  You know, actually, I can tell you who was there.  Those people mean a lot to me. Here's why:  I had two major milestones in my life last year and someone who was supposed to be a good friend, missed them both.  That hurt. I don't buy, "Oh I didn't see it" excuse when everyone else in our circle of friends did. I'm sure that happens though, but if they weren't "missing" everything else, I may buy that.  Needless to say, that person isn't someone I choose to spend my free time with anymore. They don't exactly let me know they care outside of social media either, so I kind of know where I stand with that.  It's okay.  I've accepted it and moved on.  Not everyone is going to like you.  You just kind of wished they never pretended they did. 

     Can I just say after the last presidential election...

     I find it funny that the people I talked to in every day life over the years, were all of a sudden very, very political.  So many posting to a point where the name calling and abuse of the other side (this goes both ways, by the way) became too much to tolerate.  No one side in my estimation captured "reality" and so many people were hurt in the fray.  Many more found themselves "defriended" be others.  Some have drug it out past the election. I was lucky to have been spared a lot of it from what I hear, but I saw enough.  My friends are very diverse.  All religions and political affiliations are represented.  We need to remember that when you say someone is "stupid" for voting for someone else that you may be talking about a friend.  I would like to believe that your friend list is as diverse are mine and this is an issue.  Even if you don't think it is, there are two things people used to not talk about in "mixed company"; politics and religion.  This last election was a good lesson in why.  I'm not saying, "don't be yourself," but what I am saying is have respect for your friends.  If you must discuss politics, or religion, there are ways to be respectful in your delivery and not demean your friends.  I like a lively debate, but I'll cut it off it gets to nasty levels.

     So, now you are starting to see where some of my problems with social media truly lie.  There were some I didn't touch on like the aforementioned "Oh poor sad me" posts to get attention, the passive aggressive posts (aimed at someone particular without naming them thinking they would notice), and getting reconnected to toxic family members/old friends that inevitably goes wrong, but those are of a more personal nature.  I really wanted to focus on how we potentially hurt the people around us.  Facebook just seems to have become one big excuse not to truly connect with other human beings on a less than surface level.   We seem only interested in ourselves and are forgetting there are very real people on the other side of the Internet connection.  I would really like to see Facebook return to what it was. Social. I want to see my friends' pictures, learn of new places to go, marvel at accomplishments, revel in  joys, commiserate in times of trouble, support businesses and creative endeavors and use messenger to talk and make plans to meet. It would be great to see us all be courteous of each other and know that doesn't mean we are "censoring ourselves" as much as it means we have respect for other people.  I would love for us all to be engaged with each other.  It's ever so important to where we are going in our lives to have our friends there to be supportive and caring....and to be that supportive and caring friend back...

     Until then, here is a fabulous salad I made...

 

 

 

     Happy Fishing (and posting)!

     --Red

 

What are your biggest problems with social media? What do you enjoy about it? Tell me in the comments! 

 

 

     P.S. - And if I've hurt anyone with this, I apologize. No excuses. I should have said it better. 

(Inner) Peace Initiative

     My friend Mike posted this picture of StoneKracker, my former band for any newbies out there, the other day on Facebook:

     The picture was taken during pre-show rituals where we center ourselves and get ready to get out on stage and, well, "kill it."  What struck me was the look on my face.  See that?  That's utter and total peace.

    Utter and total peace is not at all what I had last Saturday night when Eric and I performed together, using the StoneKracker moniker, for the first time in ten years.  I felt a nervousness I don't think I've felt since the first time we played the SXSW Festival in Austin, TX in 2001.   For the first time I understood why.

    I'm not gonna lie, and I haven't here yet, but I used to drink...a lot!  It was the only way I could get on stage to be quite honest.  But, like anyone with any kind of alcoholic tendencies, there was some sort of underlying reason as to why I needed that "liquid courage."  The funny thing is that I rarely drank any other time. I don't even drink with meals.  I find the taste of beer or wine with food kind of gross for lack of a better term.  So, I'm guessing you would think, "Okay; you must not feel confident in your vocal abilities.  That's why you had to drink."  Sure, but why didn't I feel confident?  I always received high honors in competitions in high school.  I can't tell you all the choirs I participated in that I had to audition for...what is it.  Somewhere about 3:00 in the afternoon that Saturday, it came out...along with tears.

   "But I was never the best," I explained to my husband, "I always lost the solos.  There was this girl named..."

    I never thought or believed I was good enough.  I am fully aware that I am no Kelly Clarkson.  I come from the marriage of an opera singer to a person who was tone deaf.  I was never going to be Mariah Carey.  Somewhere in my heart I believed, because I was never going to be Beyonce', that I didn't have the right to be anything else.  Sure, my biological mother had something to do with this too, always telling me I'd never be good enough, so it was surprising that all the things I had lost singing along the way were what was bothering me.  I think the thing with my Mom was so fully reconciled that this was all that was left.

    So, as I stared at the picture Mike posted, I said to myself, "Where was that Saturday night?"  The answer is, in a bottle.  StoneKracker did help my esteem a lot, make no mistake.  We played actually three SXSW Festivals and on two Warped Tours and won accolade after accolade, but I guess it's not enough when you believe, deep down, you are a fraud.

     How do I get out of the bottle?  How do I find that peace naturally?  What about the other areas of my life that still make me nervous, or angry, or vengeful?  What do I do about those?

    There is this group I found online called The Peace Initiative.  The aim of the peace initiative "is to help young children in conflicted societies around the world learn to respect differences and change their behavior through media and school curricula developed through local in-country partnerships." Sometimes, I still feel like I am walking around with this young child soul deep inside my being that just doesn't understand what the realities really are about a situation.  That's how I feel when something I am not at peace with pops up.  It's like I can't see the truth of an event; only my immediate reaction to it.  Maybe there are "differences" I need to respect and accept that one is not necessarily better than the other.  Simply just different.  There is a certain peace to that isn't there? Besides, not everyone is looking to see Kelly Clarkson...

     There are so many more things I can apply this thinking to. Maybe it's time to start an "inner" peace initiative...
    

      ...I will respect that I am different than Kelly Clarkson... and that difference is totally and wholly me...and wonderful.


Happy Fishing!

--Red

    

  

Apples and Trees

     So, as I've mentioned, I'm trying to take time for myself and offload some of the various activities that keep me way busier than I need to be.  Things are going swimmingly (pardon the pun) well.  I'm the happiest I've been in awhile.  Still a few things that need, let's call it, "fixing," but I am dealing with them better and better everyday.  I am more refreshed and more up to "starfish grabbing" than I've been in awhile.  There is one thing though that I can't completely seem to get away from, and try as I may, it keeps coming back over and over again... 

      ...This thing of which I speak is genetics.

      Okay so maybe not totally genetics.  I don't want to get into the nature vs. nurture argument here, but I can't seem to put my family's past behind me. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time you know, or at least have been introduced to glimpses of the fact, that I didn't have the best of relationships with my biological mother.  So instead of a few more situational glimpses, I'm going to briefly detail what happened.

     Let me first say that I have forgiveness in my heart for my biological mother.  After spending time examining it, and getting bits and pieces of information from my father, I realized my mother couldn't help who she was.  I don't know if it was all "nature."  I don't know if it was all "nurture."  I would put my money on it that it was a combination of the two, but my mother abused me from the time I was twelve until I left home at age sixteen.  It was verbal abuse at first, but then became physical.  The stories I've told in this blog are all from before that age, but you could see where our relationship was headed.

     I have worked very hard to achieve some sort of "normalcy" to my life.  Anyone who was belittled constantly starts to believe their own unworthiness.  Any one beaten starts to wonder if they deserved it and isn't fit to have better in their lives.  It has taken great amounts of self-examination to function as well as I currently believe I do.  I am grateful that I have a wonderful marriage, in-laws who love me, a decent relationship with my Dad, and that I don't breakdown at the sign of difficulty or become riddled with anger like I used to.  I've cried alot.  I've had to face who I am honestly.  I have had to change my mindset habitually every day until positivity and love truly became part of my thought patterns.  I had to love myself, and my past, for better or worse.  I am fully reconciled with that part of my life...

     ...Now to the point...

     I have a favorite saying as of late.  "The apple didn't fall far from the tree."  See? Genetics...

     I have tried to roll down the hill and into the village below in my best attempt to get away from the tree, and become something greater, like an apple pie...mmmmmmm...apple pie....but I digress.  One of the other apples, however, is trying desperately to get me to be part of the bushel again.  Remember how I just said I was fully reconciled with that part of my life?  Maybe I'm just okay with the "tree...."

     ... I hadn't thought about the other apple...

     I was amazed at all the pain this person, uh, "apple" was able to resurrect in my life, but I really shouldn't have been surprised.  I started to see my biological mother in everything this person did.  Over the last year I have relived every single indiscretion taken out upon me as a teenager through watching this person's actions. Sometimes I would even be the recipient of private message insults and threats when to the rest of the world they would come off as a delightful, knowledgeable, and maybe even trustworthy.  Knowing how they behaved, I had tried for so many years to distance myself. Technology has made the world so small, and it's harder than just not answering phone calls any more.  I found myself going back to that bad place in my memories because of the distress that this person was trying to create for me, and even a few others around them.  Every part of the seed of this apple had come directly from the roots of the tree. Much like my biological mother, they just couldn't help themselves...

     ...and then I realized something...

     I am no longer that abused little girl.  I have forgiven the "tree."  I now have to forgive the "apple" because it was born of the "tree" and has never been able to see how to roll down the hill and into the village to become something greater (like the apple pie).  I want to say something most people don't realize about forgiveness.  They think that forgiveness means you have to forget and pretend like nothing ever happened.  Not true.  Forgiveness is for them, but ultimately, it's really for you.  It's an understanding of why that person did what they did so you can move on with your life and realize it wasn't because you were a bad person or you deserved it or any of the things that can hold you back from your life.  The forgiveness process includes, even though you understand why someone is doing what they are doing to you, never letting them have that option again...ever...

     There are some ways to escape technology and to keep others from harassing you. I think I'm figuring out how to do that while continuing with the more peaceful person I've become and life I have.  I've just rolled too far away from the tree to be put back in the bushel. 

     Where's the ice cream?  Say what you want, apple; you can't touch me.  I'm a pie now!

     Happy Fishing!

      --Red

P.S. - Some of you may wonder why I refer to my mother as my "biological mother."  I don't want her to be confused with the wonderful stepmother I had when I moved in with her and my Dad after leaving home at sixteen.  I have been known to call my stepmother my mother, so that's why the distinction.  I think having that stable home with her, my Dad, and my foster sister aided this "apple" to roll down the hill. For that I will forever be thankful and feel blessed.
 

 
    








      

"Starfish" Episode IV - A New Hope

    I haven't written in my blog of well over a month now.  There is very good reason for that.  There really hasn't been anything to talk about.  Nothing inspirational, no significant events I've participated in, just trying to get through the day-to-day.  To be honest though, I haven't really wanted to talk much.  A few posts ago I talked about being really crabby lately, and thought that maybe I had found my way out of that....Nope....I think this overwhelming feeling of defeat and irritation has actually been going on now since before that post and that's long time to not feel...I guess...hopeful.

   It's funny, but I just noticed that "hope" is one of my blog's keywords.  When I look through my posts to see when I used it, I had only done so once in a post about recovering from my dog Dali's passing.  Since then we also lost our cat, Girlee, the company I worked for was acquired and I lost co-workers that I talked about what went on in their lives every day, and a friend I've known since junior high school also passed.  That's a lot to process in the span of six months.  I'm not surprised that's the only time the word "hope" made it into my blog labels.  With event after disheartening event, it's no wonder that my propensity for feeling that things will turn out for the best has been extinguished.  It's almost like I don't want to be happy because something is just going to come along and take the wind right out of those sails.  Have I simply, for the time being, run out of "hope"? 

    Have you ever felt like this?  I'm a person of faith.  It's Christmas.  I should feel hopeful this time of year.  Again...Nope.  Nothing there...and that's really extremely unusual for me.  This is my favorite time of year and I'm really starting to think something is very wrong with the way I'm feeling...

   ..."Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope..."

   Remember that?  I don't know if there is a person on the planet, or at least in the United States, who hasn't seen the movie Star Wars...   So, how crazy is it to have the hope that you can defeat the Death Star just by inserting it's blueprints into a small droid that could end up anywhere?  That taking down said "Star" is as simple as "bullseyeing womp rats" back on your home planet? I'm sure there were moments of doubt in the trash compactor, but they still tried... Was this the "new hope" referenced in the title of the movie?

    I absolutely hate "dog lost" posters.  I know alot about dogs, and I know they hate change and can get really, really firghtened when out of their element.  Facebook has made all of this worse of course with people actually posting photo's of their lost dogs.  I absolutely can't stand it.  It's really hard for me to look at.

     Yesterday one of the local animal shelters posted a picture of an Australian Cattle Dog that had been picked up.  They just knew this dog had to have a family.  Why?  She was 14 years old, deaf, nearly blind, and well, she wasn't skinny in the least.  They wanted a "Christmas miracle" to find this dog's family.  They wanted a "hope," so they posted her photo.

     As much as seeing the photo made me upset, first being that this poor darling, who had first been wandering the streets, but now in her very old and deteriorated state, was in a shelter, I shared it.  A few hours later, the word came in.  Because of people sharing the photo, the owners had been found and the dog, now known to all following the story as "Daisy," would soon be home.  The "Christmas miracle" indeed happened...    

    ...just a little hope that indeed sprung eternal...and I, and many others, bought into the "new hope" for a little lost Blue Heeler girl.  It just had to work out.  She just had to go home.

     I don't know what I need right now.  I don't know if it's more healing time than I've taken or I just need a good kick in the ass to realize things just aren't so bad.  Maybe it's both.  I do know that a dog named Daisy helped me experience a little hope for the time being...

     .....and it was easier than bullseyeing womp rats....

Happy Fishing!

--Red
    

    

A "Seinfeld" Approach to Life...

     Disguised as a spirited conversation about "salsa" and the plot of a T.V. show the characters were pitching,  Seinfeld became known as "the show about nothing."  Seinfeld was on the air for almost 9 years starting in 1989 and running until 1998.  Few situation comedies have that kind of longevity today.  I really think the reason is because most situation comedies are about something.  There is a certain situation or a certain issue a character has that the stories are centered around. This means the shows themselves already give themselves a shelf-life by providing such a narrow scope of possibilities for show ideas.  Seinfeld was just about four friends' every day lives.  For that, the show idea possibilities are endless.

     I have tried to do more of "nothing" lately.  Eric and I recently went downtown, and stopped by a club to see our friend Mike.  Mike's had a lot going on and I was very happy to just vibe and listen to everything occurring in his world.  He had to run since he was working, but, being the very cool dude and great friend he is, said, "I took up the whole time talking, I can't believe that...what's up with you all? What are you doing?" To which I replied, "Nothing..."  Mike stopped for a moment, looked thoughtful, and said, "I need to try that..."

   I was reflecting on the evening and our conversation with Mike and I started wondering what I really meant by "nothing". I mean, I was out, downtown, seeing some bands...really wasn't exactly doing "nothing", right?  I still have a day job.  I don't sit around doing "nothing" all day...

  ...But I really meant what I said to Mike and countless other people who have asked me what I've been doing.  What I think I really mean by "nothing" is "enjoying life."  I am a notorious "projectaholoic".  I'm not a a "workaholic" per se, nothing I take on seems like hard, endless, 60 hour plus per week work.  I truly enjoyed all the various things I've done throughout my life.  When I was done, I stopped.  However, the key here is there was always something I was working on or doing outside of my normal life.

     I'll be honest, for always doing something, I feel like I've missed out on a lot of actual life.  I honestly do think friends stopped inviting me out because I was so busy with the band or dog training or whatever.  Since I decided I was slowing my life down a bit, my social calendar has greatly improved.  This is a good thing.  I love people.  I love community.  I like having conversations and hearing people's perspectives and ideas.  That, to me, is what life really is about.  I've probably never been happier and I'm not on stage and I'm not teaching a dog to sit or doing anything else that is keeping me from really adding deeper meaning to my life.  I'm in real relationship with people for probably the first time...ever...in my life.

     Let me take a moment to say that I don't believe that there was some kind of relational element to being in a working band and dog training.  There most certainly is, but it's in a completely different way.  First of all, let me say that you have to look for the "real" moments of relationship with the whole music industry thing.  A lot people are just trying to see what they can get from you as your star rises, and you have to be careful of that.  Real relationship when you are a musician tends comes from friends you had before the whole thing started and your band mates.  Sometimes it doesn't even come from your band mates because egos start to inflate...big...but those real moments are certainly there.  It's very much like a family as I've said before.  There are sometimes those real moments with fans, but it's definitely not often enough and not always very enjoyable or uplifting.  I was in a metal band.  A lot of people who like metal are dealing with pain of some kind.  Many of those stories, when you have that moment to stop and listen, are horrifying, albeit very real.

     With dog training, well, there is the dog...and that's the most enjoyment you get honestly.  The people make it hard really hard. When I say that, I mean the owners and other trainers alike. You are only as good as your successes and when you fail, even though it may be due to lack of owner compliance, and through no fault of your own, word can get around quickly that you, for lack of a better phrase, suck.  I love dogs.  I believe I can communicate with them better than most people, but my love for such a free, and beautiful animal was greatly diminished by the people I came across.  In hindsight, I just figure I wasn't meant to be a dog trainer and this was the way to open my eyes to that. All I wanted to do was love and help dogs. Not brag about my successes or give in to a client's unreasonable demands about how they thought their pet should behave and how to get there.  I feel the whole industry should be more esoteric.  Instead I find it getting all increasingly militaristic. It's a dog, people.  I'm not saying let it misbehave, but I am saying give it room to breathe and be happy.

     In the end, I couldn't continue with these activities because they didn't make me ultimately happy.  What I find makes me happy is really getting out and experiencing life.  Not being hold up in a rehearsal space.  Not being held hostage by a client or the ridiculous idea of dominance over another species.

    So now I choose do "nothing".  Maybe that's what Mike meant when he said he needed to try that. Maybe he noticed the look of calm and peace on a previously stressed-out face.  Maybe he realized he was seeing me and Eric now even though he hadn't seen us in a year and a half.  There are benefits to freeing yourself of the extraneous stuff.  You may truly give yourself more "life"...

     ...After all, a show about nothing had nine years. For me, the "show" idea possibilities are endless...


Happy Fishing!

--Red      

 

Always be Batman...

        I wish I had seen this before I wrote the last post...

     Problem solved.  I would always choose to be Batman...wouldn't you?

     I guess more important though is the first line. "The most important thing in life is to be yourself."  It was kind of my point.  You do you for the greater good of this thing called life...

     ...That's not what a lot of you told me though...

     I had forgotten about this gem when I wrote about what was "best in life..."

    
      Seems simple doesn't it?  Much more simple than being Batman, actually...

      My friend Geoff actually posted the text of that picture to the comments of my post. That's when I remembered I had seen it before and regretted not adding it into the conversation.  Now, one thing I hadn't seen before is my friend Thax's comment that Chicken Pot Pie was the meaning to life, but I digress...

     Another friend of mine, Payden, said that, "YOU being happy is the only thing that matters, your thoughts, dreams and experiences are the only thing you take with you after your body is gone."  Okay then, if the actual meaning of life is just to be happy, how do we do that?  Constitution, right?  "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."  What are we chasing though?  What is "happiness?"  Does it mean being content? Is it completely state of mind?  does it mean having everything you've ever wanted?  Is it perfect physical or emotional health?  Is it fulling the purpose for the gifts you've been given in this life...

     ...Quite the ponderance for a starfish grabber...and it got worse...

     I saw this posting from a friend on Facebook: "Happiness. It is not something to do. It is something you are. Pursue something else. Be happy."  

     Now I am thinking are they separate? Being happy has nothing to do with what you do? You can just be happy no matter what?

     I'll be honest, I've been really unhappy with being an accountant lately. It's not the most soul satisfying of jobs for someone who is more of a creative mindset. I don't quite know how I got here except for a long string of jobs starting from temporary data entry to ever increasing levels of accounting duties. So, suffice to say as I have embarked on my adventure in starfish grabbing, it's been on my mind. I am not the "normal" accountant. I am outgoing, communicative, empathetic...my apologies to any other accountants reading this, but it's not the normal profile of a number cruncher. I actually got a job once because of the person I am, but I've lost many because of it too. I'm good at what I do, but I have really felt like lately that I need to be doing something else...however, "something else" maybe doesn't pay as well. Can I still be happy then? With potentially less money?

     How do you just be happy without any other extraneous factors? I mean if it is the meaning of life and all... If I'm starting to sound like my head is swimming, it is. So, I'll do what most of you would when faced with urgent questions...I'll take to the Internet.(C'mon, admit that a day goes by that you don't "Google" something).

     What do I find? There is a freaking Happiness scale! What? Don't measure me right now; I don't want to know...but really...I do think that generally I am happy.  I get easily annoyed or bored with a specific facet of my life, but I think I'm generally happy.  Can you be annoyed and bored and still be happy? Is it all or nothing? Or is it an average of the answers in the categories on the happiness scale inventory?  Why is this all so hard?   WHY CAN'T I JUST ALWAYS BE BATMAN?

     I guess when you think about it, life would be satisfying for Batman because he was always himself. He was just a guy. No real superpowers; just a lot of fun toys. Instead of being a potentially becoming an uncaring high society kid with money, he really cared about those less fortunate. He did his all he could to instill a sense of justice in a dark world and be the best human he can possibly be.   Maybe knowing you do the best you possibly can for others and this world makes you satisfied with tour life. Maybe that thought makes you, well, happy...

     ...I may not ultimately know the secret to continuous happiness, but I do know, in this life, you should always be Batman...

Happy Fishing!

--Red
   
  So what do you think?  What does it mean to be happy and how do you achieve happiness?  Tell me in the comments below