It's Too Late to Apologize

"I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new, yeah, yeah
I loved you with a fire red
Now it's turning blue, and you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late..."

- Ryan Tedder, One Republic

I know I said I was doing the whole video thing, and I will, but I had a quick bit of inspiration while listening to one the YouTube channels I follow that's based on personality disordered persons.This will become a very important topic as we continue on this journey together. I wanted to talk about one of the key factors that I think makes a relationship with someone toxic to your well being...

...It's the inability to apologize. Plain and simple. Stay with me here and let me tell you why it all boils down to this. Being able to apologize is so much more than saying "I'm sorry". The person speaking in the YouTube video said, "The only sincere apology is changed behavior. If it doesn't change long-term, then they are not truly remorseful."   

You might be thinking, "but Red, I mean, no one is perfect. They said sorry; forgive and forget, right?" Yes, no one is perfect, however abusive behavior is not okay. Stepping over your boundaries and committing the same trespasses over and over again after saying I'm sorry is just that.

Anything less than a proper apology with visible action behind it means they aren't willing to change and will repeat the offense. You are totally being manipulated. A proper apology by the way is "I'm sorry, that was my fault, I'll never do it again" or something of that variety.

A proper apology is not a string of excuses explaining their emotional state and why they did something to you. That's not taking responsibility for their actions, That's hoping you will just understand and let it go.You aren't in a relationship with a person. You are in a "manipulationship".

It's important that you know what your boundaries and standards for people that you let into your life are or this will happen to you over and over. Don't think that one day I just arbitrarily started cutting people I felt incapable of change out of my life.  I saw problematic behavior and gave many chances for change. I dismissed their behavior under the pretenses of "they've had a hard life" or "they are just going through a hard time" or "they just have some growing up to do". The problem with toxic people is that they aren't going to get past these circumstances, They are going to let hard lives, times, and lack of emotional growth rule their lives forever because doing what's necessary to change takes guts and commitment like nothing else, Doing the deep work required of change is very, very, very hard and most sadly just won't do it because of the difficulty level. You are essentially fighting yourself, the deep inner core of who you are, the way you are "wired", every day and that is possibly the most tiring and excruciating thing you can ever do. You are changing everything that has made you, you! The dedication to such an undertaking is enormous, So now you might understand why I'm more serious now about protecting my well-being and giving way fewer chances. I don't allow so much for "over and over". I need to see serious change and am well aware that that change probably isn't coming.

Well get more into this in the videos, but I really wanted to take a moment to explain this concept, The people in your life are going to be essential to your healing. Make sure they are ones that want to lift you up and help you be the best you can be, otherwise, you'll remain stuck in your hard life, hard times and ever reaching for an unattainable the emotional growth you so need to love yourself and life!

Happy Fishing!

--Red

A Time to Heal...

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

-The Byrds

My life the last year has been all about taking the time to heal.  There has been amazing discovery and agonizing recovery. One of the things I learned about being a survivor of emotional and psychological abuse is that one of the unfortunate side effects of such is the erosion of self...

...and it's now no wonder I started this blog confused about my purpose, and probably more so, who I was... 

I look back upon my writings and I came so close to figuring this out so many times. I just didn't put the pieces together in my very broken mind. I should have figured this out long ago and the relationships responsible for such a reduction of personality, but instead it took events of greater magnitude for me to finally say "something is really wrong here".

I have studied so much. I have figured out ugly truths about people once held dear to me.... 

...I have been likened to a warrior to others trying to survive themselves. If you don't know or love yourself, you don't know quite what to do with that....

I spent months identifying what made me  me down to favorite flavor a of ice cream because the deconstruction of self had been so cavernous. I had so much self-doubt to overcome that I still have to say "trust yourself" when walking out a door wondering if something was unplugged when I had just looked at it. 

I do not feel like much of a warrior in those times...but I also know I've come so far. 

I watch a lot of YouTube videos on emotional manipulators and how to heal from such abuse. Someone said "ask yourself how will you use what you've been through for the greater good". 

That's it, right? Could that be the sense of purpose and self I've spent years writing about only to find glimpses and pieces of it because I truly wasn't focused on the experiences that made me the person who I was and now that I am?

A lot of survivors take their stories to YouTube and blogs hoping to arm those who are, shall we say, emotionally disadvantaged due to what they have been through. It's time for me to do the same...

If you are a long time reader or friend, you may see or hear things that make you uncomfortable. Please try, if possible, to not be. This is my story. Survivors need to tell and live our tales out loud in the hopes that the shame that keeps others in the dark and abusers roaming free unfettered is lifted.  We'll also still explore finding your purpose in life, but I've come to know that this only happens when you are the best you that you can be,

If you are new to this blog, and the coming YouTube channel, welcome! I hope you can take a bit of peace and healing with you from someone saying "me, too."

Time to jump back into the ocean...and the fire...

Happy Fishing!

--Red

Ch-ch-ch-changes

"I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me"

- "Changes", David Bowie, 1971

I went into therapy in the fall of 2015. I was finally ready to deal with some of the issues from my childhood that I felt were keeping me from being a healthy adult. It's my admittedly unsubstantiated, but fully experienced, belief that many creative types have emotional issues of some kind. There is something cathartic about creating that helps us, but spend enough time around a mess of them (and I think in particular that a group of musicians should be called a "mess") and you might realize it's time to clear some things out of your subconscious catalog. Possibly well past time, even. 

This was good timing because, of course, Marc leaving, and for the second time, exacerbated past issues I had experienced. While I have done a lot of work to realize that this band wasn't my identity and that there was more to being me, there seemed to be some things that maybe I hadn't fully dealt with. 

I'll admit it; I expected to go in and hear "fear of abandonment", maybe "low self-esteem", or even "depression". What I did hear would change, if not completely alter, my world:

"Stockholm Syndrome" (also called "Trauma Bonding"), "C-PTSD", and something with some of the worst connotations and misinformation surrounding it... 

..."Codependency".

Wait, what? I'm pretty independent! I'm not necessarily needy...what the hell, lady?

Like most people I thought this meant someone who is needy but it's not that and in fact it's more than that. Let's visit Wikipedia, shall we?

"Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement." 

Oh yeah...okay...that's it...

My therapist and I figured out that my biological mother fit the profile of someone with a "Cluster B" Personality Disorder. My unresolved codependent tendencies derived from being her child have had me chasing those kind of relationships all my life. As I look back I realize that I have had many toxic boyfriends, supervisors, and close friends throughout my life. I've had more toxic close relationships on average than healthy ones. 

I'm a serial "fixer". I always try to see the good in people and I want to help them achieve the best they can be. I know what it feels like to grow up with no one supporting you emotionally and cheering you on. I don't want people to feel that way. The thing is, I just don't know when to stop, and that's what gets me into trouble. I've been so conditioned to walking on eggshells and avoiding conflict as much as possible, even if the person I'm trying to help is behaving irrationally and eventually disrespecting me.  I help at the detriment to myself and that has to stop. I always think, "they will get better I just know it. With enough love and support they will stop doing what they are doing. We do have some good days..."

Eventually no matter how hard you try to help, the rage you were trying to avoid from that person happens. You can't believe that they couldn't be helped and that they would behave that way towards you after all you've done, but this is why they are labeled as "toxic" and why you have to know when to walk away. These are the types of people I just can't have in my life if I'm going to break this cycle. I will have to have healthier boundaries and develop a healthier self-esteem, or I'm going to continue having "holes" blown in my life. 

It's really hard at first. You feel guilty. You are used to letting people treat you however they want to because somewhere you learned that was the only way to get people to like you. You feel guilty because those types in your life don't like your new way of thinking and then deem you the monster because they've stopped being able to have their way in every situation. 

I was on the phone recently with someone trying to be clear about why I had to remove someone close to them from my life. It was causing issues for us, and since we had been friends a long time, I felt it appropriate to have the conversation. 

"It's not that I'm different..." I said trying to explain that I'm still the loving person I was and that that hadn't changed. 

He interrupted me, "No, Dana, actually you are different now..."

You know what? He's right. Different isn't bad. It can be good...very good. I will own this. I am different.

...so I turned myself to face me....

I'm not just on a journey to find me and my purpose...I'm on a journey to love and take care of  myself as well. That's the only way I can be found.

Happy Fishing!

--Red

The Force Awakens

     Hopefully by now everyone has seen Star Wars: Episode VII The Force Awakens. If not, I apologize for the following spoiler. You can stop reading here, but I'll try not to give too much away...

     Who didn't catch their breath when Han Solo and General Leia saw each other again after so many years apart? The audience is then given a glimpse into what happened, why it had been so long since they were together, and ultimately, in his despair, how Han went back to "the only thing I knew". That moment really resonated with me because at a time of great confusion, I found myself returning to the only thing I knew...

 

   
     So it's been awhile since I've blogged, yes?  I've had an amazing and busy year of grabbing the starfish! StoneKracker released a CD this last year, we played a lot of shows, and Marc, my lead guitarist as you might remember, and I even started a recording business together. I really felt like I was out living my purpose. I knew where I was going with my life. I mean, sure, bands aren't forever, and the business was something we could do creatively for some time to come.

     ...until the day it all came crashing down around me...

     Towards the end of last September, Marc announced that he was leaving the band because he would be spending all of his time working at another recording studio and would not have the time to devote to a musical project. He also let me know that I would not be continuing on with him in the business because in order to take this opportunity, he felt that he needed to work freelance.  Our band and business partnership was over. Just that quickly, it was all done. Although we had several resultant conversations due to his decision, he had already firmly made up his mind and was adamant that this was what he wanted, The band supported his decision and then, a little over a month and a half later, he was gone. He was no longer performing with the band and he had had his last recording session in the studio we built in my home,

     Upon hearing the news, I felt that big hole in my heart returning. The future, as I thought it was going to be, had been pulled out from under me. Like I said, I know that StoneKracker won't be around forever, but I love this band and had surrounded myself with people I consider to be family. There were many opportunities to take advantage of and projects to pursue now that we had music recorded. I really loved the business that I had put a lot of time, hard work, and money into it. It was all such a whirlwind of emotions and that fear of loss that I had been carrying around previously for a decade or so was creeping in.  I just wasn't sure where I was going from here and how I would go forward.

     The next three days were heartbreaking. I cried so much no one was buying my "I have allergies" excuse. You could see the pain on my face from the bags and dark circles under my eyes and the redness contained therein. The reality of the situation was playing over and over in my mind along with a handful of questions. What do I do know? What does my future look like? What about the band; how does that continue? Wait a minute...

     Remember when my friend Amy asked me, "Yeah, but what's YOUR dream?" We had been talking about why I went into business with Marc that day at her house. That was the one question that has haunted me on and off since then. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was living Marc's dream and not mine. Amy's was the only question I had to answer to make all of the rest of the answers fall into place. That's why the "hole" was coming back.  I forgot about who I am. Think about this:  I have made a whole blog about finding out what I was supposed to do with my life only to find myself living someone else's. Where did I go wrong here? I would have that answer too as long as I dug deep to remember, to actually know and be sure of, who I was and what I wanted. Only then would I be able to accept this major life change and others to come in my life and move forward no matter what happens,,,       

      So, here I am. Just like Han Solo I'm going back to the only thing I know, because deep down that's who I am. That has to be my starting point. I'm back on the beach unable to grab the starfish bobbing in water because my hands are full of shells...

     Hello, my name is Dana "Red" Leigh Cooper and I'm a writer...

     Welcome back to the ocean everyone...to be continued...

Happy Fishing!

--Red



   

The Monkey Cage

     "Look, Dana, it's like this:  If a monkey dies at the zoo, the zoo doesn't shut down.  They get another monkey..."


    My friend, Ben, saying this looked earnestly at me over the table where we and our spouses were having dinner. His extremely patient wife, Lisa, rolled her eyes as the conversation had turned once again to band issues.  See, Ben, at any given time, may be in any where from 2 to 4 bands and has extensive experience when dealing with issues that arise from the dynamic of putting three or more possibly dysfunctional people in a room together. (Note to my friends in bands:  Don't you fight that last statement.  There is a reason we are musicians...c'mon now...)


     What Ben was trying to say to me, and what he would say later in no uncertain terms, was "You have options."  I thought he was just talking about replacement monkeys to keep the zoo exhibit open, but I found it was ultimately something more than that...


     I mentioned in my last post that this last year had not been easy.  Not only had my band Stonekracker been "out of the game" essentially for well over a decade, but repairing the prior emotional battery that had taken place leading to our ultimate demise, would take it's toll on me several times throughout the year even after this conversation.


     My response to this ultimate wisdom from Ben regarding monkeys and their keepers? "But I just got them back..."


     This is pivotal and may be where I started losing sight of dream and purpose. I wanted so badly to keep them all; to have this second chance that I just started putting away parts of myself piece by piece in order to never loose any of them ever again from my life.


   To be fair, this actually was a time where other pieces of myself started coming to life.  My lyric writing had become more vulnerable and I started playing guitar. I think that's how I was dealing with what was happening to me internally. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it made for great music, but what was causing it wasn't necessarily healthy. I oftentimes kept hidden what I would feel about certain situations that would arise within the band.  I would feel paralyzed to say something when I didn't like what was going on or disagreed with something.  In an effort not to come off as the control freak I had been years earlier, I went completely the other direction and just would smile like I meant it, no matter what was going on..  I didn't want to be the person I was, but am really having trouble being the person I am.  So, while I may have been churning out the greatest lyrics and music I had ever written, it was slowly killing me and my desires to even have a dream or live out any prior notions of purpose.

     The reason I struggle so hard is this:  I love these guys.  I'm finding out that may be unusual for a band dynamic these days.  I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or how long we've known each other, but I love them.  Sometimes that makes figuring out how to handle confrontation difficult because you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that something you say might hurt that person you love and you so don't want it to...

    ...but sometimes you just might not have that choice...because you are the monkey dying at the zoo...


     I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past and at the same time, this should be fun.  At this stage in life that's all it should be and that's for everyone.  I just want that option to be happy and have that help take that dream of mine where I want it to go...
 
     ...oh...wait a minute...

    Having options doesn't mean you throw the baby, or the "monkey" out with the bath water, but what it does mean is you can't compromise your own happiness for the happiness of others.  Doing that will ultimately kill your dream.  It won't be fun anymore no matter how great the process seems to be going.  You have to communicate your needs if working with others, because let's face it; it's not about them, it's about you. You just have to hope you and your monkeys are on the same page.  If a monkey isn't happy with the conditions at the zoo, and they have to be transferred, it is and ultimately will be okay. That goes for all of you. This is because you know what does and what doesn't make you happy, and there is no more secure position than that. This is because for the first time you realize you are not trying to be a control freak in voicing opinions, but that you want happiness for all of the primates involved precisely because you love them...

     ...You have "options"...


Happy Fishing!

--Red


P.S - This week Ben put this on my Facebook page wall.  Maybe not totally related...but maybe so!  Thank you Ben for all of your time...I'll expect the bill in the mail!

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been

     How cool is that?  That's me...see? Really tiny on that stage in the middle...the one with the red hair?  It's been an incredible year...

     I recently realized I hadn't touched this blog in a year.  A whole year.  I thought this might happen.  I mean, once you "grab the starfish" you have to go out there and live the dream, right?  Wait...did I just refer to my purpose as the dream?  I guess when I started this blog it was about finding out what my purpose on this planet was, and I suppose the vehicle by which it was delivered too, but, really, is that necessarily the "dream"?  Before we get to that, let me explain what's been going on from where we left off with each other.

     My band got back together. It's part of the purpose I had discovered for my life ("No Diving in the Shallow End"). The very same band that caused me to question who I was and whether I should be  able to be happy after what happened ("What Doesn't Kill You" ).  Yup. Them. Stonekracker. At first I was excited that we could all exist in the proverbial "water under the bridge" space and felt like that hole in my heart was going away ("The Donut Hole").  It's been one of the best band experiences I've ever had really.  We have greater freedom to create, ego's aren't the problem they were when we were younger, and some of the pressure to "make it" that comes with being a younger person is gone. I play guitar now and I didn't before. People come and see us play and we have so much fun. We are all much older and wiser now.  Piece of cake, right?

    Yeah...no....

    You will never know what you are made of until you are faced to be in contact day after day with the one person in your life who did the most emotional damage to you. Navigating the waters with my lead guitarist, Marc, has been...well...I've described it as a yo-yo.  It just hasn't been easy, and that's for both of us. The old conversations, the way everything went down, the feelings of betrayal between two people who had trusted each other completely at one point; these things come back just by looking at the other one.  Sometimes that's really all it takes. You can't stop the movie from playing.  It just switches on...except it's a horror movie instead of a John Hughes coming of age type movie.

    He apologized over Facebook a few months before we started playing together and I readily accepted that apology, but as you all know, for me, forgive doesn't mean forget. Somewhere around February last year, I was starting to think that we were never going to be on the same page ever again and that there would always be this "thing" that would always be between us.  Some days I still feel that way, but it was at that moment, almost out of the blue, almost as if I was being given a gift from God, he handed me this leather bound book.  It had music stanzas on the front, tied closed with a tiny ribbon, and bore his name at the top.  He told me it was a collection of song lyrics he had written. I felt like this would be a breakthrough for us.  An olive branch to maybe stop the emotional bleeding and start rebuilding the trust.  These were his personal thoughts...and he wanted me to read them.  He wanted to let me back into his life on some level.

     I read it ravenously.  It was all I thought it would be.  It confirmed much for me about him and about us. Then I left him something inside it upon its return...

     Months before he gave me the book, I wrote my apology to him for what had happened between us, but I didn't do it on Facebook.  I had written a song entitled "Fight".  I tucked the lyrics inside his book and was honestly not prepared for the reaction when he found them days later.  Marc was so moved he stayed up for days writing the music, trying to capture the desperation, loneliness, and regret that I had spelled out on the page... 

     ...and he did...and it was amazing.  The song, however, didn't see the light of day until the band recorded it in October for an acoustic compilation we were going to be on. The song, although absolutely remarkable, was too painful, but we agreed that it was finally time to release it.  Over the last year we also killed our entire back catalog of old songs and wrote all new ones so it's been a busy time.  I've been working on repairing my relationship with Marc, writing new music, trying to keep my head above water playing the guitar...I also did start a new job that has taken me a little off of the accounting trail as I thought should happen. I've really been working at all of those things I found out about myself and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life...or have I?

     Marc and I during this time had also decided to start a business together.  He's an audio engineer and wanted to get back into recording and producing bands.   I was over at my friends Jeremy and Amy's house last weekend picking up some business cards that Jeremy has made for our business.   Jeremy is an amazing graphic artist and has his own small business, Punk, Rock, Love - Illustration and Design.  We were sitting around talking when Amy asked me why I went into business with Marc.

    "It's Marc's dream to do this and I want to help him do that," I explained.

    "Yeah, but what's YOUR dream?" Amy asked.

    ...Wait...What?

     When the Greatful Dead wrote "Truckin'", a song about their misfortunes on the road as a metaphor for getting though life culminating in the refrain "what a long strange trip it's been", I think they were on to something.  I have found myself so sidetracked lately with the band business as it's gotten bigger and the new business, that maybe I'm starting to forget about the purpose.  Maybe I am forgetting about my dreams in all of this, because when Amy said that, I had nothing. I've been just running ragged; completely on "what do I have to accomplish next" mode without ever asking why, is it necessary, and am I happy.  With all of the work to get all the songs ready, the work to promote all of the shows we did, the emotional upheaval I've experienced being back in this situation, the details of learning a new job...with the "long strange trip it's been"...I may have lost me a little bit along the way.

     It's time to dial back and return to the writer I am in the core center of my being to figure all of this out. I know the purpose, but what's the dream, and do those things compliment each other and with the rush that is life, how do I hold on to them?

    As I sip, my coffee, and stare out my office window at a cold and dreary winter day, I'm listening to "These Dreams" by Heart... 

"These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
There's something out there I can't resist"
       
     ...welcome back... and here we go again...


Happy Fishing

--Red


PS - If you'd like to hear me expound upon the story of  "Fight", and hear the first time it was played on the radio, you can do so right here!  Many thanks to Loris Lowe and KLBJ FM 93.7 in Austin, TX for having me in the studio! Loris is an amazing person and supports the local music scene in Austin with her show Local Licks Live.  https://soundcloud.com/klbj937/local-licks-podcast-january-20-2015
  

Coloring Outside the Lines

  

     When I was in kindergarten the only thing I ever remember doing was coloring. One day we were given a couple of pictures to color in. I remember one distinctly.  It was a girl walking down the street, I can't remember whether she was pushing a stroller or walking a dog, but she was definitely eating a doughnut. The boy sitting next to me had an interesting suggestion when he saw me accidentally color outside of the lines.

        "Just color the whole thing red..."

        (A few things to mention. First, I probably should have learned to never listen to boys. Second, I ended up always being surrounded by boys  in my friendships and that probably started here. Third, I think this began my fascination with the color red.  Now back to the story.)

       Hhhmmmmmmm...I mean what could it hurt right?  I colored the whole picture red.  Then with my little friend's approval, I colored the second one orange.

     "WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?!?" I heard coming from my teacher, Mrs. Mercado (and this is probably why I remember her name to this day).  I was in huge trouble.  I got yelled at in front of the class. I remember sitting their crying while everyone else was turning in their pictures.  I remember being ashamed when my parents came for some parent's night and our papers were displayed on the wall...

     ...all because I had colored outside of the lines...

    

     I have a great amount trouble being out of my "comfort zone."  It's something I've struggled with for a long time.  Young kids are extremely impressionable and that's the lesson I learned that day.  Go outside of what is "normal" and be prepared to feel the wrath for whoever and whatever.

     When you move outside of your comfort zone, you become open to all of the possibilities for your life.  What makes us want to stay in that safe place is desire avoid disappointments, hard challenges, and loss.  You have to ask your self, though, as you stay in your cozy world, are you really living?  It may be stable, but I'm betting it's stagnant, too.  If I had to say one thing to make you move want to experience life outside of the bubble, it would be this:  All of the bad things are much easier to take when you are doing something you are truly passionate about.  Rely on your belief in your gifts to move you through the hard times. Learn to say, "Okay...that happened...next!"  

     My life over the last six months or so has been a tremendous lesson in letting go, moving forward, and not sticking to a schedule on any level. It's been spinning out of control with opportunity after opportunity and that....THAT...is a good thing. However, it doesn't mean I haven't been extremely uncomfortable in the process.  It's hard to fight the notion that nothing bad will happen if I just stay right here inside the lines...

     ...nothing good will happen either.  Go ahead.  Color the whole picture red... 


Happy Fishing!!!

--Red
    

"Starfish" Episode IV - A New Hope

    I haven't written in my blog of well over a month now.  There is very good reason for that.  There really hasn't been anything to talk about.  Nothing inspirational, no significant events I've participated in, just trying to get through the day-to-day.  To be honest though, I haven't really wanted to talk much.  A few posts ago I talked about being really crabby lately, and thought that maybe I had found my way out of that....Nope....I think this overwhelming feeling of defeat and irritation has actually been going on now since before that post and that's long time to not feel...I guess...hopeful.

   It's funny, but I just noticed that "hope" is one of my blog's keywords.  When I look through my posts to see when I used it, I had only done so once in a post about recovering from my dog Dali's passing.  Since then we also lost our cat, Girlee, the company I worked for was acquired and I lost co-workers that I talked about what went on in their lives every day, and a friend I've known since junior high school also passed.  That's a lot to process in the span of six months.  I'm not surprised that's the only time the word "hope" made it into my blog labels.  With event after disheartening event, it's no wonder that my propensity for feeling that things will turn out for the best has been extinguished.  It's almost like I don't want to be happy because something is just going to come along and take the wind right out of those sails.  Have I simply, for the time being, run out of "hope"? 

    Have you ever felt like this?  I'm a person of faith.  It's Christmas.  I should feel hopeful this time of year.  Again...Nope.  Nothing there...and that's really extremely unusual for me.  This is my favorite time of year and I'm really starting to think something is very wrong with the way I'm feeling...

   ..."Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope..."

   Remember that?  I don't know if there is a person on the planet, or at least in the United States, who hasn't seen the movie Star Wars...   So, how crazy is it to have the hope that you can defeat the Death Star just by inserting it's blueprints into a small droid that could end up anywhere?  That taking down said "Star" is as simple as "bullseyeing womp rats" back on your home planet? I'm sure there were moments of doubt in the trash compactor, but they still tried... Was this the "new hope" referenced in the title of the movie?

    I absolutely hate "dog lost" posters.  I know alot about dogs, and I know they hate change and can get really, really firghtened when out of their element.  Facebook has made all of this worse of course with people actually posting photo's of their lost dogs.  I absolutely can't stand it.  It's really hard for me to look at.

     Yesterday one of the local animal shelters posted a picture of an Australian Cattle Dog that had been picked up.  They just knew this dog had to have a family.  Why?  She was 14 years old, deaf, nearly blind, and well, she wasn't skinny in the least.  They wanted a "Christmas miracle" to find this dog's family.  They wanted a "hope," so they posted her photo.

     As much as seeing the photo made me upset, first being that this poor darling, who had first been wandering the streets, but now in her very old and deteriorated state, was in a shelter, I shared it.  A few hours later, the word came in.  Because of people sharing the photo, the owners had been found and the dog, now known to all following the story as "Daisy," would soon be home.  The "Christmas miracle" indeed happened...    

    ...just a little hope that indeed sprung eternal...and I, and many others, bought into the "new hope" for a little lost Blue Heeler girl.  It just had to work out.  She just had to go home.

     I don't know what I need right now.  I don't know if it's more healing time than I've taken or I just need a good kick in the ass to realize things just aren't so bad.  Maybe it's both.  I do know that a dog named Daisy helped me experience a little hope for the time being...

     .....and it was easier than bullseyeing womp rats....

Happy Fishing!

--Red
    

    

Home Is Where the Heart Is

     A lot has been going on since I claimed that the "starfish" has been "grabbed."  First of all, I went into two weeks of probably one of the most stressful times I've ever had at my day job.  My company has been acquired and we are in the middle of a software conversion so all of our information can be shared.  I won't bore you with the details, but anyone who has ever done that knows how the process can make you extremely irritable. With this acquisition is coming a change of position for me from Accounting to Sales essentially.  I know I had said that I hadn't been over the top happy about being an Accountant all these years, and that I decided that a day job didn't define me, but I feel pretty weird.  I mean, I've been doing it for nineteen years, I should feel a bit odd about it.  Excited, nervous, worried at the same time, but definitely weird and that's not helping the stress level.

     While this was going on in the place where, let's face it, we all spend most of our time, I became somewhat hostage to my "extracurricular" schedule. I organized a can food drive for the local serving center that was coming to an end.  Food had to be gone through and itemized and we had to somehow find time to actually get it to the serving center.  This same week church council and the Wednesday evening study I teach fell in the same week and I couldn't not attend either one of them.  We have this week off from the study because of Halloween, so we couldn't have two weeks off in a row and while I can usually I can get out of council if I need, I had signed up as minute taker for this month way back in January...

     ...Whoops...

     I'm going to estimate that there was one point during the last few weeks where I don't think I saw my dog, Kobi, for three days. He was awfully clingy this past weekend because of it.  Sometimes if I'm not there, he doesn't eat.  He's kind of sensitive as dogs go.

     So, on top of work, church, dog, and I do have a husband somewhere in there, there was something else to add to the schedule.  Halloween.  More precisely a show the Saturday before Halloween in which I was singing a few songs with a local band called The Nevermind Project.  They do covers of alt-rock song's from the 90's like Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Sponge, etc.  I think, Ben, the drummer, and I had talked about me performing in the show way back in August and I was so excited at the premise of being back on stage again.  I won't lie though; it was just a bad week for there to be a practice in the middle of everything else.  However, like with the rest of my schedule, I made no complaints and made it happen.  I was late, but I went...

     ...And it was the most "normal" I had felt in a long time!  When I started this blog I would say I was a proverbial "fish out of water..."  I guess make that a "starfish" out of water, but I was probably pretty lost career wise and personally as well.  The one thing I've learned over this last year and a half is the reason I didn't know which way was up about anything is because I was denying and not dealing with who I was at my very core being.  When you don't understand who you are, it'll mess you up pretty good for sure.  I'm not saying I'm going to go out, quit my day job, and tour around the country, not that that doesn't sound fabulous, but what I am saying is you still have to nurture in some way those things that are very key to who you are in some way.

     That's what I did during the Saturday night performance. What I didn't expect out of that experience are a few things far greater than just a simple indulgence of a permanent place in my soul.

     First, There was this wonderful variety of people who would also be performing in the show on Saturday. I should have mentioned previously that I wasn't the only one brought into the "Project."  I have really been preoccupied with the relational aspect of life these days and feel it's so very necessary in life to connect with those around us.  I try to actively engage in conversations with and really listen to others' perspectives on and about what they've been through in life. Make this life not all about you, you know?  So, I really liked meeting all these people, finding out what bands they have been in, and how they knew members of The Nevermind Project. I felt so at ease that all of the pressures from that week seemed to melt away momentarily.  I so enjoyed watching everyone show off their particular talent whether it be singing, drumming, or playing guitar or bass. All of us brought here to, well, put on a tremendous show for those willing to pay admission!  I was actually sad when I realized I needed to get going because I had to work in the morning.  Everyone was so great and wonderfully inviting.

     The other thing is it had been nine and a half years since I had been on a stage with a band.  During the run of the last band, I don't even know, even though I was singing, writing, and performing, that I was completely comfortable in my own skin.  I would get so nervous before shows that I could drink a six pack of beer and not feel a thing because of all of the adrenaline running through my body.  I would sometimes have panic attacks before shows.  I was really worried that would happen this time...and you know what?  Nothing happened.  No extreme nerves.  No need to pound alcohol.  That alone was remarkable.  What I realized later is, because of some of the things I have experienced while trying to "grab the starfish" it stopped being all about me.  I wasn't focused on "will everyone like me" or "will everyone think my voice sucks" or anything like that.  I got on that stage, a switch just "flipped" inside me, and I did my thing.  I didn't care what anyone thought and it was quite liberating.  I probably did a better job because of it.  I'll be honest; it felt amazing.  I'm not saying I didn't care about whether I did a good job for the band or the crowd or anything like that.  I did have a little bit of "good nerves" right before I went on, but I was no longer so self-conscious.  I don't need to be.  I never needed to be.  My true self always was and always has been good enough.

     My friend Jennifer texted me the next day and said, "you were so at home up there..."

     ...she was right. For the first time, I knew what "home" felt like.  I don't think I can stress the importance when grabbing your own starfish, of knowing, deep down, where your "home" is.  When you know that, you will always give the best performance of and in your life.

     I still have many weeks to go before the crazy schedules are over.  I just participated in a wedding, the church study picks back up again, there is another donation drive to get ready for, and the work issues are still numerous.  It doesn't seem like I've learned my lesson about saying "no," but I think this universe colliding busyness in conjunction with really feeling where I belong heart and soul is bringing some issues with my schedule to light.  It may not be until Thanksgiving that I finally slow down, but I had that one night of "home" and I know I will go there again soon... 

     .....Don't worry though, Kobi;  Momma will be physically home more often than she was that week!
     

Happy Fishing!

--Red

PS - For anyone curious, here I am with The Nevermind Project, featuring another guest for the evening, Cricket, on bass!  Remember it was Halloween...I lost my Hello Kitty head and paws for the second song!

   

Fear is the Mindkiller - Part 2 - The Hunger Games

     I mentioned in my last post that I was noticing other fears that may be hampering or could conceivable diminish my ability to grab the "starfish." (Fear is the Mindkiller - March 15, 2012 ).  Time to start getting Jaws out of the swimming pool (you totally won't get that if you didn't read the last post...), one fear at a time...

     Here we go.  Fear #1...

     I don't discredit the popularity of the books and the movie by the same title, The Hunger Games.  The character of the young Katniss Everdeen overcoming insurmountable odds, that may not have been forever in her favor, to be the victor, along with Peeta Mellark, of the annual games is inspiring and incredible.  A lot of stories have these great heroic characters though.  Sure, the writing is brilliant, but what makes people really dig into this particular story.

     We understand their fears and motivations. We want to see what happens to the characters we are then emotionally invested in with that understanding. We want to know how the story ends and how those fears are pushed through and resolved...

     There are a couple of topics of fear that resound throughout this novel.  The fear of death.  The fear of oppression by government. The fear of loss. The fear, as possibly suggested by the title, of going hungry.  Katniss' last words before the games to her friend Gale are, "Don't let them starve," referring to her mother and younger sister, Prim, whose place she took in the games.  She said it with such an urgency, with such a crack in her voice, that she was more afraid of that particular notion than of dying at the hands of one of the other twenty three participants known as "tributes."

     Eating is something we have to do to survive.  There is no choice in the matter. However, did you know there are a total of approximately twelve different kinds of eating disorders that keep people from leading normal lives and threaten that very survival instinct?  It is said that eating disorders are caused by a combination of biological, environmental, and psychological abnormalities.  I would definitely agree with psychological.  People with eating disorders may have an unnatural fear of gaining weight, so they regurgitate food.  They may fear being alone or emotionally uncomfortable and use food as medication.  They may just fear going hungry...

     My particular unhealthy relationship with food started in college.  I only had a set amount of money coming in few times a month, and well, sometimes it just wasn't enough.  There were a few days I remember not eating.  There was a time I remember getting sick because Burger King had this special of six cheeseburgers for a dollar and I ate them over three days...guess what happened on day three?  They were pretty gnarly by then but I still ate them anyway because I needed food.  I guess the point is I never knew when I would eat again or have enough money to do so. I guess I did know.  Once for sure every two weeks and if I budgeted well, then more.

     Let's fast forward to today.  I have a great job.  So does my husband.  We are no where near starving and truly blessed.  However, I am absolutely terrified of feeling hungry.  I get horrible anxiety if my stomach growls....You know what my big downfall is?  Free food at the office.  I feel like I absolutely have to eat it.  I mean, if I don't who will.  It can't be wasted; it costs money.  Besides if I don't eat it I may go hungry later.  I am also as you might guess "a plate cleaner."  It would make me stressed to either not finish my entire plate at a restaurant and let them toss it, or not at least take home the leftovers.  I sometimes do the latter and let the leftovers purposely go bad so I don't feel so bad about tossing them.  I do that as well with frozen dinners I decide later don't look as tasty as when I saw them in the grocery store.   How can you throw things away though when so many are starving and you paid good money for them?  The answer would be to buy less, right?  Create less waste and save money. Well, then I may starve later would be my response to that.  It's a vicious cycle...  

      ...Even if I'm full, I eat.  After all, I may go hungry at some point...

     It's funny. My husband and I went to see The Hunger Games last weekend. We went to a place called Gold Class Cinema. Reclining seats, blankets, pillows, and gourmet food! Needless to say I was overfull by the time we walked out of there. I actually thought of the irony of eating so much food during a movie about kids killing each other over it essentially.  I also thought about how I knew how full I got last time I was there, how actually painful it was, and how I didn't want to do it again.  Nope.  I sure went ahead and stretched the limits...and my stomach!  I just can't help myself and it was just as painful as it was the first time I did it.  Remember though, in my head, if I don't eat alot, I may get hungry.
  
     I think many of us in America have at least one unhealthy association with food or another.  As women we are told that a breakup with a boyfriend heralds a pint of ice cream in your favorite flavor.  There is a reason that food laden in high caloric content is often times called "comfort food."  Who hasn't found themselves reaching for some chocolate or chips when stressed or bored at the office.  It's really hard in this day and age to change our mindset and look at food as simply nourishment for our bodies. 


    I really don't know what I do about this and am not leaving this post particularly wrapped up.  I do make sure I have more healthy choices around me.  I'm surrounded with fruit, vegetables, and weight watchers meals or 100 calorie packs.  It's probably why I'm not, as of this point, obese.  I need to not doubt that I will eat again later in the day or the next day.

     I do know I feel better for having written this out so I can be more aware of it.  I catch myself in these thoughts more often and talk myself out of taking that extra bite or serving.  How unusual for this all around happen around Easter.   There is alot of food at my house around Easter from chocolate eggs to awesome, delicious, smoked meats.  I may have had one too many cookies, but I didn't go back for seconds.  They are leftovers for tonight's dinner. I didn't get hungry later.   If we don't finish the leftovers?  I won't make myself sick; out they go. 

...Maybe I'll make a dandelion salad would be nice with some roasted squirrel and goat cheese on some local bakery bread throw aways for dinner...okay, maybe not, but I now have a starting point...and if I'm going to be easier on my body, feel better, and move forward, I have to start somewhere.

   Ladies and Gentlemen...Jaws is leaving the building...uh...pool!


Happy Fishing!

--Red



   



   

    

It matters what's on the outside?

      If you look good you feel good.  I've heard it many times.  I have even attended a seminar all about how to dress for the message, or feeling, you want to convey.  Feeling a little under the weather?  A nice salmon color will make you look like the picture of health apparently...

      My friend Crickette has a huge shoe collection.  I'm not talking the normal woman penchant for shoes...this is a fairly monumental gathering of footwear!  Her collection so much a reflection of who she is that her Facebook page photo is usually a new shoe added to the fold.  She loves her shoes.  Now, Crickette takes a lot of razzing from her friends about her passion, but I am starting to think I understand.  I am also starting to wonder, after attending aforementioned seminar, and knowing what a great dresser she is all around, if she was trying to convey a greater air of happiness than we experienced at a company we both worked at...but I digress...

      I have often said that due to being in a band with guys for so long, being a dog trainer, and working at companies with a relaxed dress code, I have forgotten how to dress.  Jeans, T-Shirt, sneakers.  There you go.  At one time in my life, I was quite the fashion plate.  Now don't get me wrong, in my circles Jeans, T-Shirt, and sneakers can be very fashionable if paired well, but I haven't even been able to do that as of late.  I have realized it has had absolutely nothing to do with being in a band with guys for so long, being a dog trainer, and working at companies with a relaxed dress code.  Looking back I can see a direct correlation to losing my fashion sense and killing off "Red" (see "What Doesn't Kill You..."  - January 29th, 2012).

      If there is going to be a resurrection, the outside will have to reflect the inside...

      My friend Jerol has actually been encouraging my need to accessorize for over a year now.  The emergence from the ashes of "Red" probably started with her and I didn't even know it.  As a teenager, and well into my band years, I was flashy and numerous necklaces, bracelets, and earrings head to toe.  I just didn't have that energy anymore given the circumstances and I definitely didn't want anything to remind me of who I am/was.  So I started small, buying one or two new necklaces and earring combos...

      However, this is my latest addition...

     Look at all the hearts and shininess!  I love hearts and shininess!  Big, long, necklaces full of clunky, heart-y, shininess...

     Quickly, my purchases have turned to shoes.  First boots and now my latest coup!

     More than representative of "Red" don't you think?  There were also a few more pairs in between the boots and these, but you get the idea.


     I'm actually going to stores and trying things on and looking at latest trends to funky vintage items.  I just ordered three pairs of skinny jeans...

     ...and people are starting to notice...

     I went to a Leadership retreat last weekend.  I sat alone at a table in the back.  Might I add at this time that even with an extroverted personality, I sit in the back typically, so this is not a new thing.  I as reading over the agenda for the day, when I heard, "mind if I sit here?"  There stood this person...this gloriously pierced and tattooed person wanting to sit with someone that maybe he felt may be like minded or a good personality match at least.  Okay; maybe he was just a really cool person not wanting anyone to sit alone, but this event was among many other compliments I received during the day from "nice outfit" to "I love your eye makeup" (I am wearing more shimmery shadows these days!).
 
     If you look good you feel good...if I look more like me, do I feel more like me?  You bet...often times the outside is a direct representative of the inside and I am coming to find that premise quite liberating. I also always here the phrase "it matters what's on the inside."  Well, maybe, in this sense, it matters what's on the outside just as much.  I am in no way saying be a "fashionista."  I am also not saying wear things just to be popular or appeal to a certain group of people. What I am saying is wear what makes you happy and is the best representation of who you are.   You may find an extra spring in your step you weren't anticipating.

     In the 1980's John Hughes film "Pretty In Pink" the films main character, Andie, is known for her unique fashion sense.  She overcomes the obstacles life has thrown her way and shops at thrift stores, sometimes sewing her own clothes, just to show her true personality.  Her friend Duckie says, "This is a really volcanic ensemble you're wearing, it's really marvelous.."  I realize every time I watch that movie that I once had that same pair of pants...

     ...You go on and buy as many shoes as you want, Crickette...I for one am not judging...they fit your personality wonderfully!


Happy Fishing!

--Red

  

Focusing on the task at hand...

     I haven't written anything since October. So much for putting one foot in front of the other or discovering my passion.


     It's not that I haven't been thinking about the purpose for my life or taking little steps to accomplish my goal. I have...

     The problem is something entirely different.


     I think the doctors missed an opportunity for diagnosis when telling my parents my brother had hyperactivity. I often times wonder, since coming from the same gene pool if I don't have a dose of that myself. I have an extreme inability to concentrate. Watch out if a butterfly goes by or I see something shiny...I'm gone!

     I'm amazed I got this far in life...truly...  I don't know how I passed college or hold down a job.  Well, okay...I actually do know how I hold down a job.  I take little "brain breaks" as I call them.  If I find myself unable to focus, I look at Facebook for like a minute or two, and then my mind is clear enough to go back to whatever the task is at hand.  On one particularly hard day, I noticed I commented on a friend's status once every hour.  Somehow it works for me.  It's kind of like how I get all my best ideas in the shower.  I'm not thinking about anything.  My brain works way too fast some times for my own good.  Which could lead me tot he next problem with my focus....

     I really want to do a lot of things.  I'm into and good at a lot of things.  It's hard to start on one thing because I want to be doing something else I like just as much.  There just isn't enough time in the day for everything I want to do.  My friend Karah does tons of stuff.  I always tease her because I don't think she sleeps. Deep down I probably sort of envy her energy and lack of sleep.  I can't do that.  I'm a eight to nine hour a night kind of person. 

     So I guess that means I have to choose.  This has probably been the problem all along.  Get rid of the things that I am not as passionate about as others so I have the time to focus on those few things I really should be spending my time on and excelling at.   Then when hyperactivity strikes, I guess there are still my Facebook "brain breaks."  Now the questions is how do I harness the fleeting thoughts and action items that just come to me randomly when I'm in the shower, sitting in church, hanging out with friends, etc, without always toting around a notebook...wait...Facebook...I got it...

....There's an app for that...

Happy Fishing!

--Red

PS - Most of this blog was done using the Blogger app for iphone.  

Stopped "Dead" in My tracks

     I've been busy putting one foot in front of the other.  You should see the mounds of miscellaneous stuff I got rid of from the piles I talked about last time.  However, recently I have stopped right in the middle of the path and can't seem to get any forward momentum.  I am standing on the shore and looking for the sharks in the water again.

     I attended a session with a life coach back in April.  She said that one of the ways to find out what you are supposed to be doing with your life is to review what other people constantly ask you to do.  I was sharing this with a group of people, when my friend, Beth says, "But what if I don't want to be a caretaker?"   Good point.  The people around her were seeing a special quality in her that were leading them to ask her to do something she wasn't particularly passionate about.  I think there are situations in our lives that just because we can do something doesn't mean we necessarily should do it.  That's interesting thought...

     I watch X-Factor.  Mostly because I am a singer.  Secondly because I almost tried out this year.  I knew my vocals weren't strong enough, and frankly, neither was my back, so I decided to skip this year.  The talent is monsterous.  Big, big voices. Chistina Aguilara, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston voices.  Good thing I stayed home.  I'm not saying I'm not talented.  I'm saying I'm not talented that way.  I have a very unique voice and style and that is definitely not it. These contestants also have a tireless passion for their singing that frankly makes me want to take a nap.  There's that word again: "passion."

     I have a feeling my friend Beth also likes to induldge in a bit of reality TV, like I do.  Recently she was talking about the "passion" of the people participating in Project Runway, wishing she too could have that kind of passion about somthing.  So, here we are, back to what may be the core ingredient for "star-fishing."  I can't help but wonder if this is why I have been stopped "dead" in my tracks?  Am I lacking the drive necessary to continue?  How do you muster passion when at the end of the day, when all you may want to do is crash (a thought I must attribute to my friend, Dianne)?

    Awhile back I talked about the ability to say "No" to things.  It's alot about knowing who you are and what you've said "yes" in your life to.  Isn't it though maybe just as much about who you aren't?  I'm a singer, but I honestly do not have a big X-Factor voice.  Beth may be a caretaker, but not in the way that people are asking her to be.  Just because we can doesn't mean we necessarily should, but it may lead us to understand, if we think about it awhile, what we should be doing.  I think once we know that, finding that will to keep going will be the easy part.

    Before going deep sea fishing, it would help to be a good swimmer.  Be sure of who you are, who you aren't, and that you'll have the "life vest" to keep you afloat.

Happy Fishing!

--Red